anon.

Sometimes I wish I could live my life like the anonymous poet or painter that inspires so many but never  is recognized for their life. I love the hidden truth that these people find more joy in inspiring others than being recognized. There is a simple humility displayed in those who can be so great, but still wash windows or clean streets or even buy the bargain bread at the local tescos. How great would it be to know that inside you are truly GREAT and nobody but you knows it... what a teenage dream- the geek in high school that ends up saving the world.  I feel in this season like I am experiencing the just-before-teenage-years of my christianity. I desire to do great things, yet am scared  at the prospect of "me... really?" I am no longer young and able to rely on others for support, nor am I wise enough to go it alone with steam in my bones as a grown up. I am in that awkward stage, the one where your hair gets greasy and you break out with acne, have feet that grow too big for your body and get all shy because you are the in between and not quite a person- more an ugly duckling. I am lost in this place, lost trying to plan, lost trying to win, lost trying to be anything but still. I am stilled until I adventure as a teen. I am shy and awkward, confused and lonely-but I have to grow. I have to develop that teenage angst that will determine how I live effectively my passions as a follower of Jesus Christ. I hate that I am not comfortable, nor reliant on anyone. I hate that in order to become something beautiful the growing years have to change me. No longer this little thing who bedazzles everyone with a sweet smile, nor a woman able to convey a message or a life full and established. No... today I am that child/girl/woman/thing/ugly duckling waiting for the teenage years. Oh will that passion for life begin!!! 

P.S.

I got my grades back... distinctions and credits!!!! 

It's a wonderful life!

Recently I watched the movie,"It's a wonderful life" It has taken me some three years to actually watch through the whole thing without falling asleep. Summed up it has that Christmas cheer factor of thanksgiving and also repentance. In a few days Church perform something similar , called the Christmas Spectacular and aptly knick-named 'spec'. This years theme is on the Grinch and the Who's. I can't really remember the story line of this movie, but I am warmed to know that it also expresses this similar theme of thanksgiving and repentance. So really what my question this evening transpires to is; do we find this repentance at Christmas? The evaluation of the festive season and somewhat our ethical decisions made in the past 365 days bring about a change inside of us, otherwise we would not consider the new years resolutions so commonly joked about. These six days in between Christmas day and New Years could change your outlook on the next 365. Forget the fad diets and stop chewing your nails resolutions; What is your expectation? What are you repentant for? What will you change? What ways will your heart grow? These are the questions that I am considering, not only the things I look behind and praise God for- but what I look toward, and how I live my days whilst getting there... 

and so boredom doth set in...

I am very uneasy. I can't holiday in peace!! I feel this urge to get up and go- but there is nowhere to go and nothing to do right now. I wish that I were studying still. I wish I had something to do, and in all of this I am uneasy with rest- but I need it?? I have succumbed to reading a book which before a vacation/rest would not have even wasted my time with. I enjoy this book- in fact I cannot put it down, the bad thing about this is that my day is filled with the book and little else. My day flies away and I feel like I have not moved in weeks- I cannot rest... but rest does appear to be my only motion.

The fight of my life...

Yesterday I had the greatest joy to go into the City with some of my friends, it all started excellently. We were celebrating Andreas birthday (which is actually tomorrow) and got to shop and do the City thing here in Sydney with a quick rainy trip to Bondi Junction and the beach. It did rain radically, but all in all the four seasons in one day did also bring sun! So we set out- after eating pancakes, strawberries and cream we caught the train and began our day. By the end of our day out some things just started to go wrong. Andrea lost her train ticket- I was busting to pee but the toilets in the station were closed and then got onto a train thinking I can hold for a while, but the train got stopped on the tracks for two hours. I was literally crying as my bladder was aching. I know that this is pretty raw for most, but honestly it was my worst nightmare and I couldn't wake up. In my friends attempts to relieve me we tried to go to the in between of the carts so that I could squat and pee outside. Did NOT work. I had this little Indian man STARE at me and I started to cry- who stares at you laughing when you are trying to pee??? So upon returning to my seat I got talking with a girl on the train sitting next to us. She introduced herself and we began a healthy discussion about Jesus. What strikes me about this girl is nothing other than discerning that God had this planned and even from beginning the train journey I felt like God was moving and shifting some things concerning her. So this conversation continued with me, this Chick on the train and my other friend Eilidh. The all of a sudden Eilidh gets a phone call from her husband- He has been in a hit and run accident and his car is smashed from the van that drove over the top of him and then drove off. What was happening? So after the conversation the train started and we got off at a close by stop. Shaken up and confused we all began to recite scriptures to one another and felt like we were in the middle of a battle. We eventually got back to Eilidh's husband and then drove them home quite a distance away, in the car journey we shared again encouragement with one another and this amazing couple begin to speak of their trust in God and His faithfulness. Earlier Eilidh had told me something, she said, "what sort of fruit comes out when the tree is shaken?" She told me that good ol' Joyce Meyer had quoted this- at the time I was impressed, but now I can't seem to get this out of my head.  What sort of fruit (reaction/truth/faith) comes out when your tree ( life) is shaken? The Robertson's are a champion couple- I know that God can only have blessings for them- because their tree has been shaken to the point of uprooting since they came to Australia- but I see the fruit is good. This is just the same authentic Christianity I want to display. No matter what- HE IS FAITHFUL and I WILL STILL PREACH THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST! The enemy cannot hold us down- his ways are lower than mine, I rise above, take the ground and share the genuine love and life that Jesus has given me. I will do this forever... This is the fight for life!

Purpose

Over the past week God has begun to redirect my vision. Since being here God has enlarged my vision, but now He begins to piece together the reasons. When I was a Christian in high school I never really saw that I lived any different to others, I didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't swear and didn't flaunt myself around- but in spite of all of that I couldn't really see that I, ME,MY HEART was any different to anyone else in my school. The conversations I would ahve with the girls in my class would consist of similar things, we wanted to dream, to do something great. It is now when I have done about ten years of Christianity that I begin to see why it is so different to live for Jesus Christ,it's so liberating and sometimes so hard but IT IS SO DIFFERENT. What gets me thinking about this is the many creative people in the music industry and arts industry that I know of, or know personally. They once were the same people who stood hands raised in worship beside me at outreaches, they have prayed for the lost in front of hundreds and Christian at heart- are not living like they are different. I am slightly confused at this- I know I have been given one of the greatest opportunities of my life to be at Hillsong and learn from those who live with authenticity and at the same time excellence in their field of ministry. Am I too spoiled with this?  guess what my pondering conclude is that I want to authentic and I want to be the head of my sphere. For me this is painting and the arts, for you it might be something completely different, but whatever it is I encourage you that someone has to begin, to be a forerunner, why not just run with it and not compromise your most amazing gift of life with Jesus? Maybe it can be turned around and the other side of this is the over enthusiastic Christian who just wants to paint hearts and doves, but it never really has a purpose other than a fluffy idealistic view of Christianity and doesn't reach those that need Him. I don't want to be found guilty of either. God my prayer that I glorify YOU above myself, that YOU be seen before me but that in me you show off...

flipping Africa!!!

Over the past year God has shown me so much but also so little concerning the future. I cannot give definitives when people ask me, "what are you doing after degree?", however I cannot deny the huge way that He has and is speaking to me about Africa. I never expected this, but it has arrived and the same feeling/experience I had when God called me to come to Bible College in Australia, is the same unction that I feel when someone talks to me about Africa. At present I am cluing through my cognitive brain as to how this can happen, where exactly in Africa and what about the fact that I am Irish... This all has been buzzing my brain since a conversation with a missionary from Kenya this evening. I didn't expect it, but this lady I was conversing with has been a missionary for fifteen years, as she spoke with me, this unction that I have not felt in three years; came back- this burden is in me and I don't know what else to do, but weep and to continue... 

P.S. I totally stole this photograph from missionaries in Kenya, John and Sharon at shilohhousemission.org

New Wine Community...

Tonight I had the pleasure of celebrating a birthday with one of Michael's friends; Chris at his home alongside his Maltese family. I have been to the Pace family home once before and was dumbfounded at the sense of love they share with everyone they meet. I know that a lot of this community has to do with their culture of sharing and love, but I want this to be part of my culture and have decided consciously to be a sharer and giver. There is definitely a kingdom culture in Church, but this Mediterranean outlook on life brings it further into the New Covenant Church and how they did life. I see that this strong and rich nature of family and community is what God had intended for us, he chose Israel because of their placement to reach the nations with the gospel, however I believe in some ways that He chose this nation because of their humble attitude towards others. Chris' family talk loud, laugh loud and make their own wine in the back yard called Covenant (it tastes amazing!) Whilst sitting in their kitchen laughing with some people I had never met I saw this nature that I can adopt into my relationship with new people. How much they love and how this is the sort of family is what God desires, "He sets (adopts) the lonely into families." Thank God for the Pace family and their New Covenant wine and New Covenant community! 

damn red paint....

This evening whilst moving and changing my bedroom around in my frantic-ever-so-often-creative-bursts at 3am in the morning I happened to step my foot-in-Ugg-boot on some red paint, which decided to tell me just how much I weigh by squirting all over my rented carpet... I emphasize rented not because you can rent carpet, but because I rent and have to pay for damage... sob!!

So this darn red paint squirts all over my floor- I try to wipe it up off my cream colored carpet and it decides to move along not on the lifting tool, but dyes more of my carpet. Finally lifting this paint I decide to find the nearest paper-something to sort of not waste this vast amount of my favorite red. In the process I manage to scatter around the paint and walk away impressed, but more so because God speaks to me in hugely fantastic ways and happened to show me something great.

So this is how it goes, whilst being myself I step on something I don't want to step on, Im just expressing my humanity then all of a sudden I have to wipe up my mistakes. Upon wiping these mistakes up more mess happens and I'm pretty stuck as what to do with this vibrant mess on my hands, so I get rid of it and this process produces something beautiful, unique, vibrant and full of movement that persuades me that God must be in the midst of my mess. He is there, cleaning it up with me, but in the mean time artistically being himself and showing off.

Im going to show of my red dotted carpet until I steam clean it. Im a proud artist tonight...

Dan in real life

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Babies!!

Recently I became an auntie. I can tell you it is the best- even though I have not met Luke I love him already. I got to chat on yahoo tonight with his mummy, she is one of my best friends and happened to marry my dear brother Mark. I am not in any way related by blood, but there is a connection that sometimes is closer than blood. I feel with Mark and Claire closer than I am with some of my very own aunts and uncles. This is nothing to do with anything other than sometimes those who walk life with you can know you beyond blood, and it is a truly wonderful moment when you recognize those that do the journey of life with you in this unique and supernatural way. These are the people that can say without fear that you are doing a great job, or an utterly crap job of life. So many times they bring up issues that you don't even see, they bring up your defeats and encourage you more than those who fought in the battle with you. The reason for this closeness is because there is no agenda other than PURE LOVE and FRIENDSHIP. This is a sacred part of my life, having moved thousands of miles away from home, friends become family- and family becomes closer. I treasure these people because you can truly be yourself, sleep on their sofas, eat their irish chocolate and shop till you drop in foreign countries and in all of that love every moment with them. Today, I miss my asian home in Olongapo - I shall eat your irish chocolate again very soon... 

bats and ants...

So life in Australia brings some interesting days of wildlife, I have seen deadly spiders and snakes, koalas and kangaroos- but most recently I have a HUGE fruit bat living in my tree. I, along with my best friend who lives two doors up have named him Charlie. I thought I was o.k. with Charlie, a few sweeps over my head was a bit much, but naming him made me feel more relaxed with his friendly but still shy nature. Tonight after a walk with my gorgeous beau we realized that there are about three HUGE bats living in my tree. I'm honestly not sure if I can put up with this much longer. The tree to which I refer to as mine is located at my bedroom window. I have a thin screen which, every night separates me from Charlie and mosquitos. This screen however does not separate Charlie and his HUGE wingspan flapping or his sonar pitched squeaks that my human ears can hear from penetrating the screen and entering my personal space. One might say Charlie should just come on in... maybe not! In fact Charlie right now is flapping around. Its the sound of a king size bed sheet flapping fast in the wind, or maybe a cotton handkerchief drying from your snotters outside your driving car window. Its interesting. 

Next on the wildlife agenda is the ants. In my first year of college within two days my whole kitchen was some mini battle field of armed ants. I promise there must have been a few thousands ants eating everything in sight. I know that this is going to sound funny to those who only view ants a few times of the year but ants in australia are ferocious, also very big on occasion and some are human flesh eating, they are red and probably one cm tall. I had to hose my whole kitchen down and drown the suckers. Thankfully the ants present in my bathtub right now are small, black and not that ferocious. Anyway, for the past three days i have noticed a group/army of these small critters parade themselves in my bathtub. Not really that scared of them getting far, I have no idea what they intend to eat to survive- maybe some herbal essence?? However, tonight I saw all these little black dots in the tub. I thought awww so cute they actually sleep- but then realized they had all died. The moral of the story is... emmmmmm we will get to that later. After studying some scriptures on Ants in Proverbs and some real life ants in my bath I see that they are diligent creatures. The bats are too- but they don't really do much, they flap around and get restless, but their team work sucks. The ants have gained ground in a matter of days, sought out their mission in life and have succeeded in biting out a home in a bathroom tile for safety. What great and fascinating stuff!!! I just wonder why they died? this might not be the actual reason, but I want to indulge for a few moments. I believe that we... Christian soldiers can either be like Ants or Bats. The Ants work in teams, work with purpose and with effort. The bats scare other people, claim their territory but don't work to bring about change, their effect is negative and abusive. However there are problems with being either an ant or a bat- its not always about survival. The Bats have survived, the ants have not. Why did the ants have to die? they died because they could no longer have vision. The bible says without vision the people perish, the ants lost sight of what they could achieve, the bath was too much for them to climb- but they tried it anyway!!! The moral of my story is... don't be a B(r)at- live life with purpose, achieve what you can to the best of your ability and work with each other, if you die in the process it was not in vain!!! 

American dreams...

So today was one of the hugest days in America. Amazing! I was hopeful that Obama would win, it's time for renewal. Despite the abortion and anti - gay stuff paraded around by the Mc Cain's I think that trying to deny problems is not anywhere near the answer. Loving society enough is. I think Obama forces the Nation to re-discover God, to question their beliefs and which can quite possibly kick start the old banger of Christianity we see everywhere in the Western World. I am not generalizing at all, I know so many fantastic Christians from the States- but sometimes it takes you to live your faith outside of comfort that can bring the true heart of Worship. The same is needed in some parts of Europe- what dead religion we need to shake off!!! Is my Christianity based upon the country I live in? Is it based on the governments over my country? NO. Thank God for Obama. I believe he has insight to guide and lead the U.S.A into truth. The first black president has arrived! Let us see positive change and growth. On top of all of these things Obama has made a way for anti poverty solutions, things which Mc Cain has not so greatly offered- my vote, if I were American would be Obama- and he won! 

none but Jesus.

Tonight my boyfriend Mike and I went for our daily walk/run. We live in Bella Vista- the very title of our 'home' in Australia is one of peace, perfection and delight. I even live three doors away from one of the Worlds biggest Churches. HILLSONG! So- on our walk... talking, laughing and just enjoying time with one another. We come across the usual 'lovers-in-the-car' couples parked beside the Norwest lake, then further round we came across a familiar man. I have met this man once before, well... said 'hello' in that Christian tone. Tonight, this man wore the same clothes as last week when I first met him and this time he was sleeping on the bench. I realized something was somewhat different about this man last week, but I didn't want to presume that anything was wrong. Tonight I saw him in his desperation. This man is homeless- for whatever reason recently he has lost his place of rest, his family perhaps. He didn't know we were watching him, or even talking about him. Now I hear the rain fall deeply outside my Bella Vista home and wonder if he is still asleep. If he will curl up on his bench and if he will wake tomorrow wishing he had lived another life. 

Imagine, you don't have to go to the biggest City or poorest country to find the broken, poor or needy. 

I hope to see him tomorrow. I hope to offer him something more than a Christian 'tone'. 

what a friend we have in Jesus...

The other night in church we sang the old hymn, what a friend we have in Jesus. This song is just stuck in my head now- Kathryn Scott has a champion version on one of her albums. Its such a simple reflection of a pure love. But these things, (simple reflection and pure love) are not the norm. We make it so hard- so difficult. In some ways it's a song I criticize with my own Christianity. I mean, All our sins and griefs to bear, what a privilege to carry everything in prayer? I guarantee that my prayers are sometimes not privileged. My prayers admit to my failures, they admit to my lack. I have trials and temptations- there is trouble everywhere, my pain is needless? Is my pain not what drives me to rescue the perishing? My pain is my biggest joy. My joy is my biggest pain. What a flipping oxy-moron! My pain that others don't know Him, is also my biggest JOY- I have Him. My most heartfelt sorrow is that He is not the 'found friend' to some of my best friends. I struggle with this song, yet I find Him in it. This good wrestle reminds me of someone else who got their hip knocked out of place, I wrestle because I wont leave my civilized Christianity alone. I wont leave until I am changed. It's like what Erwin McManus says in His book The Barbarian Way, If Jesus would not avoid the 'place of the skull', then we should not be surprised where He might lead us. If even He found himself sweating blood at Gethsemane, then we should be certain we will stand in crisis moments where all we can do after asking for relief is declare, ' Not my will will, but yours.' I want to live fully alive. No more self Help Christianity, Im sooooo done with all that. If it means standing buck naked in the wilderness, eating locusts and honey, having my head chopped off, being chased out of churches, being chased out of my home, being tortured in prison. ALL FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST?  Count me in.

Finding the place...

Tonight I went out with a friend to an amazing little Sydney-ite place... I say Sydney-ite because you really have to have lived here all your life to know it exists. This such place is called Gondivas: A vegetarian Indian restaurant (ok sounds crap so far...) with its own cinema. The idea is you eat the buffet, all you can eat I might add. Then kick your shoes off and "LIE DOWN" to watch your fav movie. We choose a Frenchy film about the war called female agents. Brilliant nights craic, and then went out to a French patisserie for dessert, shared a huge chocolate thing and a pot of chamomile tea. It was a fantastic time spent with a friend I only get to catch up with every few months. 

The point to my blog is that this place exists in the Cross... funny name- but this is where the hookers and gay people live/ hang out/ do business. Not the sort of place you would go on a Saturday night... My point... you find treasures in the most unlikely places, the places where you hinder to go. This treasure I will remember and bring new friends along...

im not going to lie....

Today I have been challenged so much by so many circumstances in peoples lives. From the simplest of meetings I have concerning my job, to visiting a three year old who has just won the victory over leukemia. Reading some old journal entries from a sort of friend who lost a loved one a few years back. I'm not going to lie- they move me more than any song or book. I cannot get over how real and raw God is. I feel like I have been living a dormant Christianity for the past few years. Passion? Don't even get me started on passion... This rush of blood through my reviving body is so real, so inexplainable and I can't get enough. The power of life is magnificent. I praise God for the beautiful girl who had to dance with Jesus, for the true son whose heart loved her more than anyone and for his lyrics of heart that have transformed mine tonight. 

Heidi and Lilly-Rose

Visiting Jesus Again

Today I had the privilege to visit a beautiful mum and daughter at the Ronald Mc Donald homes beside the Westmead Children's Hospital. I got to hear the story of their beautiful daughter aged 3- their struggle and VICTORY over leukemia. This year has been one never planned, expected or imagined- but through it all GOD PREVAILS! I left with a greater COLOUR in the painting of Jesus. His true self showed up. This family will go down in my memory bank as those with the greatest revelation power of the Gospel. Thank God for visiting Jesus. 

depths of love

Today in my class I gathered inside of me shouts of "Hallelujah" tears of thankfulness and a deeper and more intimate relationship with my father. 

 The day began with my Evangelism class, this already is changing me- but every week there is just something NEW. This week as we follow Bill Hybels book 'just walk across the room' I am more impacted by the testimonies of real people and how they have always wanted the 'God element' and over years of relationships, despite the christian judgements and down-casting they faced, there was this deep hunger for the real stuff- and its only when some radical, real life person invades their world as a 'true' disciple that they are offered reconciliation. Is it really that hard to be authentic? Why do we struggle so much with this heart facet of the Father. I am shocked even at my own state of life... I came to Australia with my matching pink luggage to come and study at BIBLE college, yet in just one year I managed to rule out all prospective relationships with people who don't know Jesus. The BIG PROBLEM? emmm well I wasn't that concerned- why? because all the Christians I know are not that concerned either. Sad fact, why? because we seem to rule out these non-believers as if they can harm us, or because they might reject us- our ways, our friendships, our meetings...  I want truth- full stop my heart is aching for the lost and I will do anything, anything to see God in real life colors again. I honestly believe our lack of miraculous and all that jazz, is not because we don't believe enough, more so because we are not doing the 'acts' of the New Covenant Church. We are responsible for our sphere of life and all who enter. What will it really take to get that the bigger picture is not about what we can get from them- a salvation a year, a limited Christian walk that we don't nurture. RATHER we can OFFER ourselves, fully, without limits to their salvation process. I long for this in my heart. I don't want to be known by God if others cannot know him because of me. 

The next journey in my day was in my Christian Ethics class, we had a guest lecturer Simon. He didn't really give much of his testimony to begin with- just told us why he was lecturing us (works with Christians who struggle with homosexuality) I already had a respect for him bringing us to face such a disputed part of relationships in the Church. The room was silent as he began to share his testimony. It wasn't the fluffiest testimony in the world, I was dumbfounded that someone could face such a life of pain and torture. This stuff isn't even in the  movies... at the end he said something that changed my life as if I just got saved all over again. He said, " It wasn't easy, it's a bloody war out there. BUT JESUS IS WORTH EVERY BIT OF IT" I could have yelled at the top of my lungs, I could have written ten billion praise songs in that one second. I could have died and not known it- this was the greatest moment of life I have ever witnessed. I felt that like a thousand rocks pounding in my heart, I felt it like all four seasons swept over my face, I felt it like I was born again. I was. 

I love white

Upon beginning this blog journey, I had to choose a color sort of thing for the background. WHITE is clean, easy simple and looks pretty good to wear. I love white everything... my housemates will tell you that in Australia I have become obsessed with painting all my furniture white. I have white linen on my bed. I have a white desk. I have a white old chinese engraved chest.I have a white chair. My bin is white. My teeth are Americanly white thanks to American best friends who bring me CREST WHITE STRIPS! (I already have really white teeth, but after hearing that apparently U.K. people are seen by Americans as having the worst teeth- I began to notice on T.V!) I like white shirts. I have a white journal. I do say this is a pretty neat color. I mean everyone looks good in white, even if you are Irish and pale white skinned... 

I reckon, in my weird, creative and oh so Irish-ness that God created white, not for the boring- but the daring. You have to dare to wear white. I challenge you who think white is boring... wear it for one day and see if you can resist spilling something... GO ON! Dare YOU!