you are failing me.

My incessant need for perfection. My desire that people are good. My longing for truth. My hope that there is some inherent good in everything. My bliss in productivity. My sweet future in design. My trust in the unknown. My willingness to finish well. You are all failing me...

S.O.S.

Sending out an S. O. S. Had my last degree class today- only one more assignment and one more at home exam and then I am free. Feels weird. Feels great too. Can't believe I have studied for so long and that now on the brink of change I am scared. I am freaking out inside about the possibilities- about what has to die, what I have to say goodbye to. I'm scared of the 'me' I will become, I am scared that 'me' is not really me. I want to be authentic. I aspire to be a World changer. I want to make movies. I want to get married. I want to write books. I want to paint all around the World. I want to see poverty first hand and not ignore it. I want to be educated and still understand that people are more important than paper. God I so want to be more like you everyday I exist. This feels so raw right now. There is so much more going on. I am aware that I need community to survive. There are moments I consider giving everything up, moments when all I desire is to be alone, be secluded and to have space. Although I want these things, they are not what I need. I hate having the need for community. Community is the most unselfish thing and I want to be selfish. Christianity sometimes stinks. I am called not to be alone, not to fend for myself, not to live for myself. This costs me so much, but there is such a reward. Weighing up the pro's and con's right now really isn't helping. This season is full of cost. I need assistance. Please. Jesus.

Resilience.

I have learned that resilience is not only a product from trial. It is something much more profound than a consequential happenstance.

I would liken resilience to the bugs that never die. I hate those bugs, but I have an honor for how they were created. Resilience is that never-gonna-beat-me-down attitude that does not give up and always Hopes.

I am hopeful. In the midst of chaos. I am resilient.

I cried for you...

Love this Katie Melua song- it speaks to my soul. Gosh there are some things that come and go in life where you can do nothing but cry. I'm not sure what young Katie was meaning when she wrote the song, but I take it as saying goodbye to something which has to leave despite the despair of saying goodbye.

There are things I have to say goodbye to even when they have been the happiest moments/times/days/friends in life. It is so raw. When you cannot say goodbye- but there is no other option. Grief is something so violent. It comes in different disguises. It is a deep inner cry that unleashes itself upon your tear stained pillow, it is the anger in a moment when you should feel nothing. It is the scream inside you feel when you are angry at yourself because you cannot afford yourself to be angry at anyone else.

When I was a kid I could afford to not say goodbye. Life was so full at that age that the only thing you wanted was a 'hello', now goodbye seems my daily mantra. Goodbye to youth. Goodbye to times of sheer joy. Goodbye to friends. Goodbye to mistakes. Goodbye to inspiration. Goodbye to the dreamer. Goodbye to freedom. Goodbye to love.

Oh how I wish it was not so.

I cried for you and the sky cried for you.

When you went I became a hopeless drifter.

This life was not for you, though I learned from you- that beauty need only be a whisper.

Beauty need only be a whisper. The beauty of what was, is no longer.

Thanks Jesus.

You know, right now I don't actually have time to write a blog- but hey, Im missing out on sleep just to let this cyber World in on my exquisite mind.

This week has been crazy. More than that, it has been insane.

I thought that other weeks have been busier- but now this one tops it. I am awake at 2:24am I have to wake up at 6am and be at church until 5pm, then go to my writers club (where I will be mentioning my sweet blogs!) and thenthe next day is the same deal. I have two assignments due on Friday and I honestly have no clue where I will find the time to get them done. I might ask for an extension. In fact- I have tried, but my internet wont load the site properly. This stinks majorly. What blessings I am counting this evening:

The amazing moon.

The sound of crickets.

The sunshine- even if it melts my face off in the day time.

Air conditioning in our church.

Clean healthy water.

Access to the word of God, which is sustaining, life changing and renewing.

Great friends. Friends who inspire. Friends who guide. Friends who are strong when you are weak.

Access to the presence of God, I sometimes forget how much 'help' I need from the 'helper'.

Red nail polish. Because even though I feel like I look like crap, I look at my fingers and toes and see that really- I look like a movie star. Heck, I am my own movie star.

Max Brenners. If you don't know what it is-you have not lived in the abundance of Jesus.

Access to education. I am blessed to be a blessing. And one day it will all be worth the hard slog.

Macbook Pro. Because my silver friend, you enable me to reach the world.

Fabric softener, because if I forget to wear perfume- I smell gooooood.

Tooth brushes. because without them- I might not have great friends.

Today I saw many things to be thankful for. More than this petty list.

Thankfulness is the key to fruitfulness.