running and resting...

I have had the recent discomfort of unfortunate events. I feel the tug of isolation- yet the warm embrace of true friends. It's funny how season changes can develop or utterly destroy your current life. I guess that is the point. NEW LIFE comes forth and it brings with it complete birth of things that have been dormant and preparing for the past season while nobody was watching. It hurts real bad. It hurts so incredibly deep inside to know that my life will no longer be what I had dreamed and what I had put my trust in. My friendships have changed, my relationships have changed and my everyday living has changed. In the honesty of everything not one inch of it was purposed by my heart, I didn't plan it to happen, didn't want any of it to happen- but it did. I couldn't put off winter, because things MUST and WILL die. I tried to hold back on things, but that made it harder to say goodbye. I cannot believe that my life is this way. I cannot believe that things have turned out like this- but did I really think that it would be any different? I am severely struggling with how this has worked out. I don't want things to be like this. I hate this. I cannot imagine how I am supposed to cope with EVERYTHING being so different. I need such a confirmation that there is hope throughout this whole thing. I have already received an amazing and life changing word with such Hope, but I need God to actually speak to me, right here right now. Not about ministry, not about anything other than who He is to me and where is He in this whole situation. I need Him close and I need His comfort. I need to run and I need to rest. running and resting is what I need.

lyrical sundance

sing a song of innocence I long to hear

tell me truths to calm all my hearts fear

take me away with you

take me along the high ways and byways to our home

where we will belong to one another, together, forever always.

there is nothing more that I seek, than the hope held within the meek

to adore the created, savor the maker

and trust in a lover, together, forever always

differing what I have lived before,

staring to the sky and opening ancient doors

released and free, to live in unity

I will trust you my lover, honest saviour, dearest friend.

make me like who you are,

to love in ways even when those are far

to forgive and be forgiven,

loved, hopeful and living for our greater days are yet to come.

only God knows...

Had a bunch of things on the past few weeks. I graduated from my study here at Hillsong Australia, in the middle of that I had pharinjitis, which feels just like someone is strangling you and shoving sand paper down your throat at the same time. Made it public with 'the break up' and am currently sewing elf costumes. I have been avoiding people to an extent, but right now Im ready to face the questions and face the music of life. In just a few days all the costumes will be finished and I will have nothing else to do at present but rest. I need a holiday and had planned to go home for am month, however I think that I might have to put it off and just wait until my parents come in May and then go home for my sisters wedding in July. It has been a long and gracious journey. I feel God with me. I feel Him lead me.

Rest.

Seems so strange to imagine that. Im not sure what that means anymore.

you are failing me.

My incessant need for perfection. My desire that people are good. My longing for truth. My hope that there is some inherent good in everything. My bliss in productivity. My sweet future in design. My trust in the unknown. My willingness to finish well. You are all failing me...

S.O.S.

Sending out an S. O. S. Had my last degree class today- only one more assignment and one more at home exam and then I am free. Feels weird. Feels great too. Can't believe I have studied for so long and that now on the brink of change I am scared. I am freaking out inside about the possibilities- about what has to die, what I have to say goodbye to. I'm scared of the 'me' I will become, I am scared that 'me' is not really me. I want to be authentic. I aspire to be a World changer. I want to make movies. I want to get married. I want to write books. I want to paint all around the World. I want to see poverty first hand and not ignore it. I want to be educated and still understand that people are more important than paper. God I so want to be more like you everyday I exist. This feels so raw right now. There is so much more going on. I am aware that I need community to survive. There are moments I consider giving everything up, moments when all I desire is to be alone, be secluded and to have space. Although I want these things, they are not what I need. I hate having the need for community. Community is the most unselfish thing and I want to be selfish. Christianity sometimes stinks. I am called not to be alone, not to fend for myself, not to live for myself. This costs me so much, but there is such a reward. Weighing up the pro's and con's right now really isn't helping. This season is full of cost. I need assistance. Please. Jesus.

Resilience.

I have learned that resilience is not only a product from trial. It is something much more profound than a consequential happenstance.

I would liken resilience to the bugs that never die. I hate those bugs, but I have an honor for how they were created. Resilience is that never-gonna-beat-me-down attitude that does not give up and always Hopes.

I am hopeful. In the midst of chaos. I am resilient.

I cried for you...

Love this Katie Melua song- it speaks to my soul. Gosh there are some things that come and go in life where you can do nothing but cry. I'm not sure what young Katie was meaning when she wrote the song, but I take it as saying goodbye to something which has to leave despite the despair of saying goodbye.

There are things I have to say goodbye to even when they have been the happiest moments/times/days/friends in life. It is so raw. When you cannot say goodbye- but there is no other option. Grief is something so violent. It comes in different disguises. It is a deep inner cry that unleashes itself upon your tear stained pillow, it is the anger in a moment when you should feel nothing. It is the scream inside you feel when you are angry at yourself because you cannot afford yourself to be angry at anyone else.

When I was a kid I could afford to not say goodbye. Life was so full at that age that the only thing you wanted was a 'hello', now goodbye seems my daily mantra. Goodbye to youth. Goodbye to times of sheer joy. Goodbye to friends. Goodbye to mistakes. Goodbye to inspiration. Goodbye to the dreamer. Goodbye to freedom. Goodbye to love.

Oh how I wish it was not so.

I cried for you and the sky cried for you.

When you went I became a hopeless drifter.

This life was not for you, though I learned from you- that beauty need only be a whisper.

Beauty need only be a whisper. The beauty of what was, is no longer.

Thanks Jesus.

You know, right now I don't actually have time to write a blog- but hey, Im missing out on sleep just to let this cyber World in on my exquisite mind.

This week has been crazy. More than that, it has been insane.

I thought that other weeks have been busier- but now this one tops it. I am awake at 2:24am I have to wake up at 6am and be at church until 5pm, then go to my writers club (where I will be mentioning my sweet blogs!) and thenthe next day is the same deal. I have two assignments due on Friday and I honestly have no clue where I will find the time to get them done. I might ask for an extension. In fact- I have tried, but my internet wont load the site properly. This stinks majorly. What blessings I am counting this evening:

The amazing moon.

The sound of crickets.

The sunshine- even if it melts my face off in the day time.

Air conditioning in our church.

Clean healthy water.

Access to the word of God, which is sustaining, life changing and renewing.

Great friends. Friends who inspire. Friends who guide. Friends who are strong when you are weak.

Access to the presence of God, I sometimes forget how much 'help' I need from the 'helper'.

Red nail polish. Because even though I feel like I look like crap, I look at my fingers and toes and see that really- I look like a movie star. Heck, I am my own movie star.

Max Brenners. If you don't know what it is-you have not lived in the abundance of Jesus.

Access to education. I am blessed to be a blessing. And one day it will all be worth the hard slog.

Macbook Pro. Because my silver friend, you enable me to reach the world.

Fabric softener, because if I forget to wear perfume- I smell gooooood.

Tooth brushes. because without them- I might not have great friends.

Today I saw many things to be thankful for. More than this petty list.

Thankfulness is the key to fruitfulness.

Timeless

Over the past few months I have been more and more inspired to write- to learn about writing, and almost to unlearn everything I have ever known about writing. Yes indeed our beautiful English language should not be reduced to txt lingo in college essays, however there is something different happening with our language. I guess this is not something new, language has a certain power within itself to transform and revolutionize. When I read text books from the 70's I notice the change between then and now, again it seems every decade there is something new to say in our lingo. We are learning and it is valuable and transforming. Language marks the changes in our society- oh how we reminisce to MJ's lyrics whilst giggling at the prospect of that being 'cool', 'wicked', 'awesome', 'rad', 'sweet', 'ridiculous'... or whatever else deems the most popular word to describe the most popular thing in our most popular decade.

Last month marked the beginning of our writers club. A mix of different types came. We mingled, gathered and shared. I got so excited at the prospect of people gathering together and coming up with new ideas and ventures upon which to write. I was truly amazed at everyone's enthusiasm and charm about the club and this timeless hobby. It seems at the end of studying for my degree is the time when I have fallen in love with books- what a shame! Art calls my name and let's just say there are not really any books with words. Most artists presume that picture say much more. My two loves conflict, I want both! PICTURES AND WORDS PLEASE! As I engulf myself within Borders corners on my days off I discover new worlds, lost dreams and new dreams. I do hope this book phase will never end. I wonder if the books I write will become classics, or just dated within the decade I write. I guess that's up to the language I use.

Or is it that 'classic' is the outdated but oh-so-loved MJ song? I could spend forever trying to make what I write timeless, in the hope that those once the first kids to read, would read the stories to their grandchildren. Time is just another way of locking our history and secrets into books. Who we are, who we were. What we loved, what we now collect. Where we lived, Where we have explored. Maybe one day I will be laughing at the prospect of having a 'club' to write! Oh the joys of time.

the murder.

Today I woke up to the sorry state of my street. The council had to unfortunately chop down many trees that lined our sweet entrance street. There were about ten in total. Inside the trees lived fruit bats- about twenty. And countless birds that would wake me up with singing or squealing. Tonight I found a lonely locust on my outside wall, I imagined that he lost his home too. The trees held a magical suspicion about them, they gave us shelter when walking the extreme summer heat, they covered your car when the hail storm hit with golf ball pellets. They kept the traffic from entering my bedroom. They kept me safe, gave me shelter and they were part of my home. They were so much more than that. Sometimes I would imagine how magical it would be if our street got together and closed the road- put up fairy lights and had a big dinner on a huge long table that was covered with food, red and white gingham table cloths and with everyone finding our home with one another, the connectedness that meets us at our doorsteps- yet we miss every day. The trees made 'our' street what it was and is no longer. It separated us from the rest of the community in a good way, we are the entrance into the busy suburb and the trees would always be there when you drove to work, and there again they would be welcoming you home to your family. They made the best parts of the day even greater. I am blessed enough to still have a beautiful tree outside my window, but I notice the difference when I walk outside. I see the locust and cricket missing a home. I wonder where the bats have gone. I wonder where the leaf spiders will hide to? I am listening to a song from Jason Upton called "chop down the tree". It seems pretty applicable right now. When I talked with the men chopping down the trees they told me the reasons why. It was not for pain sake, but because the trees had in their majestic beauty to power to damage our homes and our drains. They plan to plant new trees that will not have roots to destruct the road. It is a shame, however in this song I find a little rest in knowing that death is just another stage of life. Painful, but truthful.

How great are Gods sights

Mighty are his wonders

His kingdom has no end

Through all generations

Tree so tall

It was visible to all

Fruits of abundance

The bats and beasts lived under them

And a holy one said, Yes a holy one said

A holy one said

A holy one said

Chop down the tree

Strip off and scatter all the fruit

Let the birds and the beasts leave

For I am God

No kingdom comes above me

Yahweh

For as the rain comes down, from the skies

From the snows that come from the heaven above

They do not return there

But they water this earth, they water the earth

And they make it bring forth from them buds and the grass that grows

So shall my word that goes forth from my mouth, for it shall not return to me void

Just as the rain, just as the snow cleanses this earth- so does the word of God

It will cleanse us and keep us from sin

It revives us, it strengthens us, it saves us

Let the rain come down, let the snow come down, let it water the earth

Cleanse us. Revive us. Strengthen us. save us.

This is the truth, this is the truth that sets us free, that sets us free.

Truth. This is the truth.

Tormented Youth

For the past couple of weeks I have come across teenagers in abundance. Unlike most Christians my age I AM NOT A YOUTH LEADER. It's not that I don't like kids, it's just that I have older friends and seem to mix and influence people over the age of 20. The 'stream' of Church I find myself in is for 25-35 year olds. I am still 22. I don't know how this happened. It just did.

Anyway... TEENS! I am noticing the horrors of the teenage years around me all of a sudden. Their faces are miserable. They swear and smoke more than grown ups. They have this look that says "You owe me something" Like they have been jilted in life. They either dress gothic and have piercings all over, or else they act mindless smiling, laughing and drunk around the place, kissing everything of the opposite- or even the same sex. I remember people used to say to me, "Oh I would never be a teenager again if you paid me" I used to think those people were old farts. Now I realize why. Arhh I'm just disgusted by the body odor, the massages in public places, the rough attitudes, the proving-I'm-worth-something. What the heck did hormones do to us? I feel like my teenage years weren't like this. I remember some boy troubles, but never like the kids I see today. (Gosh I sound like an old fart) Was I really that obnoxious?

In this state on nostalgia... here are some of my teen photos.

HOME.

Ok so for the past few days I have been sick with a tummy bug. I hate being sick. I hate sickness. As soon as I was somewhat better, there I was rubber gloves on cleaning up the kitchen. In one of those moments where you snapshot your life, I wondered why is it only me that would be cleaning after just recovering from being sick? I was dizzy and a little bit crazy, but there I was cleaning. Isn't this a strange habit to posses? I have come to realize that even though I am messy sometimes- I am really a clean freak. I don't know whether this is good or bad. I enjoy perfection. I enjoy design and when I walk into a space I feel it on my skin. Isn't this normal?! Apparently not for most people my age.

This has become one of the contention points within my house (full of gorgeous and some very single ladies from all over the World). I genuinely appreciate acts of service, it is how I love people and how I serve those whom I live with. This is not a 'gift' that many people afford to give. It is one that I crave others would give to me and to be quite honest- (in my moment of delirium after a tummy bug I will be honest) I get ticked off when people leave mess and then in order for me to enjoy space, I have to clean up their mess? For example: toilets. If you do a #2 be gracious enough to not leave it, or the running track of it at least. Or someone makes toast, not using a plate and then for the rest of the day the remains of the toast crumbs sit on the bench waiting for an unsuspecting bug to chomp it up or else me to clean it up. Or another example, when someone washes the floor- rather than brushing it up and then mopping, they decide to do a two-in-one-job and mop the hair and dirt into the sides of the wall. oh what a delight for someone like me... Am I controlling? wouldn't anyone get frustrated?!

I have a longing, not to live alone or be a hermit- but to have my own space. I dream of putting my furniture there and coming home to an atmosphere with lit candles and sweet smells of home cooked food. I desire space where I can listen to music and be captivated by the sounds of what lies outside my window. I desire peace. I want a place where I can read, write songs, paint and delight in the space provided. I want to wander across the earth and to bring back memories in pictures, artifacts and textiles into my home. I desire to invite and share with people in my home. Tea, coffee, chocolate and charity events. Gardening clubs and cooking lessons. Writers clubs, cheese and wine tasting. Art exhibitions and fine art lessons. Delight.

I know Im only 22 and that most people my age are not that concerned with these things, but inside I feel ready to make a home. It's not about being married or having kids (although they would be nice in due time) this is about space. HOME. It's funny how I imagine this place, and although this might be my desire in my mind I reckon I am longing for something else. I am longing for Home that may be available in an expression on Earth- yet is only that, an expression HOME. I am reminded of that song by U2 that exclaims;

walk on. the only baggage you can bring is all that you can't leave behind. a place that has to be believed to be seen. Home: hard to know where it is if you've never had one. Home: I can't say where it is but I know I'm going. All that you build and all that you break.

How do I know that this physical home I desire exists? Is it my Western mind thinking for me? Or is it a desire that I have already tasted of? What is home? What is home to those who have never seen it?

Last week I walked down a street that from where I first stood looked like a beautiful suburb. As I walked under the night sky towards this street I was aware that this was not the picture I first imagined. I was expecting a new suburb to fall in love with alongside the few others in Sydney I have found. This was no such place. I could see inside some of these homes, although the bricks and mortar looked beautiful with overlooking balconies and trees that lined the center street, there was a restlessness there. Kids were playing after 11pm and running around these streets, young men scurried into corners and drugs were dealt even with street lamps shinning. As I reached the end of the street there were around 20 people homeless laying under a bridge. I have never collectively seen so many people homeless. I was challenged. I was scared. I wanted to run away and forget the images I had seen. What really is home? Is it space?Is it place? Is it rest? Is it peace? Im restless with these thoughts. I am so blessed.

sticks, twigs and skinny things.

Oh gosh I am so tired. Today was a horrible day. I lost something, walked around too much in a shopping mall and wrote a late assignment. I don't feel like I'm doing life that great but in the ungreatness of me doing life I am finding I am looking to 'Him' more than ever before. I need Him, want Him and crave Him.

I wrote this today:

And this is me on bended knee, offering me I do ascribe to thee. My plea: I want to be free.

Is it you my love. Cherished dove. The one and Only Blessed and Holy?

Is it you Spirit and Son. Three in one. Offering me love that makes me undone?

Complicated are the mysteries, my desires and my histories they sing to me...

Taken back and breathing in. Taken back Im taking you in. You win.

Winner of all things true. Maker of all things new. I choose... I choose. I choose You.

Enough of me and my tiring restless wanderings. I need HIM.

Above us more than sky

The past few weeks have been filled with study and restlessness. During this time I have written four children's books, painted for a major exhibition and messed up my bedroom more than once. I have visited the City many times and stayed over at friends houses. I have volunteered in Church and ran around finding costumes for a Christmas event. I am not tired... this is different.

I am now in a state of slow.

I am struggling with forgiveness and grace. I don't get it. I can't fathom it. I need time.

I need space right now. I need space to breathe and to explore with God. I need soothing music and time to tidy up my clothes. I need to think alone.

I have this basket with books I want to finish reading.

I have a journal I want to write in.

I have music my ears want to listen to.

I have daylight my feet need to walk under.

I have scarves I want to wear.

and I need time. I need time to do the things that make me who I am. Above us is more than sky. I delight in this, but I struggle with the concept of incarnation. Forgiveness and Grace, although near to me are foreign to me.

Making Monday Marvelous

Recently I was challenged to view Mondays in a different way. I had always tried to make them great- however I think I was struggling with the same feeling as everyone else I know on a Sunday night. Apparently more people commit suicide on a Monday than any other day, Monday is the day the majority of the population look forward to least. What is wrong with this day, isn't it just like any other? Do the Saturdays and Sundays of our lives have to be the only time we relax, let our hair down and enjoy our lives? Monday is a great day- it can be the making or breaking of your week, but it all is determined by our attitudes toward it.

MyMakingMondayMarvelous:

I decided that I would do a particular thing that I would most enjoy and would only allow myself to do on this day. My choice, to have a pampering time and listen to Opera. I also decided to write my boyfriend a love letter on Mondays. It is the time I pray for friends and family most and I try to take time to myself to be inspired and do some artistic adventures.

Why do Monday's have to be monotonous? Make them marvelous!

Desk.

Do you ever think about a word and how it came to life? Say it aloud. Desk. Isn't that a funny word?

So the other day I got to clearing out my Desk and sorting through some papers etc. I find that a desk can be an amazing space, a place where I communicate to myself that learning is fun, that life is to be enjoyed and that work is not a bad thing.

I make my desk a little site for inspiration. It includes my favorite books of the moment, theology books, commentaries and at the moment a book I just adore, 'Where will you be in five years?' (if you don't have it- get it) hand picked drift wood from my two favorite beaches in Australia: Palm and Balmoral, Lilies that my boyfriend gave to me, some pictures that I drew, snippets from decor magazines that I love and recycled jam jars made into pen holders with brown paper labels. I also made a hanging contraption that holds my statement/prayer for the second half of the year.

It reads: 'Turn my stresses into prayers, my frustrations into praises, my fears into faith and my sadness into dancing.'

My desk also holds brochures of things that I want to do, things I need to make time for and my weirdo collection of postcards from Art galleries all around the World. The next few weeks will be the last that I use my desk, I will always have stuff on it- keep it as a home for my laptop, but I wont be sitting at it for the same amount of hours that I have for the past four years, my next 'desk' will be an art studio, a garage, a living room, an easel. Im so captivated by the idea of really getting to do what I have wanted to do my whole life. Theology has been an amazing journey, it has made me a better person, given me vision, allowed me to see God clearly and answered my questions when nobody else could answer me. I love how this desk has changed me, how the endless hours, nights and early mornings of reading on it, sitting by it and leaning on it have made me a better person. I love how it has formed from a plain white Ikea contraption into a place of Hope, Inspiration and Desire. I love my desk, that the possibilities of learning are endless. What's on your desk?

Where is the best place on the Earth?

Final and ultimate answer:

Sydney

reason 1. in Winter it feels like summer

reason 2. you can avoid the extreme heat with air conditioning

reason 3. everyone is happy because of the weather

reason 4. you can wear cute summer dresses in Winter

reason 5. they started making percy pigs

reason 6. you can go to church everyday @ Hillsong

reason 7. you can make lots of money painting

reason 8. the beach is not just one place, but many each with their own personalities

reason 9. it is a city of many cultures which means you can eat many varieties of food

reason 10. there are mountains in view from my house

reason 11. everything you could want is within a few hours drive

reason 12. you can skype home

reason 13. in four years of living here I am still finding new things to do

reason 14. the Australian accent begins to sound normal

reason 15. the gum trees and eucalyptus trees are beautiful

reason 16. having a tan makes you look half alive

reason 17. when it rains, its fun!

reason 18. the skies at sundown are spectacular

reason 19. there's a place called 3 Darcy street and a family that are pretty special

reason 20. Why would you want to live anywhere else?

forget me not.

So today I was searching through a bunch of old things. Firstly I love old things, they remind me of what is important in life and grab my attention to think on true priorities. So as I searched through photographs and letters I found a letter from my grandmother written four years ago when I moved to Australia. She had this elegance about her that I could tangibly feel as I read her handwritten statements of love. Ina Jones was proper, came from a wealthy background and as my mother would say 'good breeding' as if we are the pedigree or elite of society. Granny J was pretty, she was so intelligent and nothing about her was simple. She had this way of making you behave just by how she talked to you and held her posture. She hated that I bit my nails. She had beautiful hands, long nails and her veins would sit up on the backs of her hands because her skin was old. I was totally envious my whole childhood of her beautiful hands. They made her the most graceful woman on the planet I could watch her read, cook, or talk but the only thing I would watch would be those graceful utensils. I don't have hands like grandma, I have stubby fingers with big knuckles. My hands are super strong and my nails are short. I wish I could have her hands. Another thing about my grandmother was her mind, she was brilliant at puzzles, mind games and could always figure out the serial killer in movies just by watching the opening scene. One thing I did inherit was this... I always guess the killer!! She was the best at telling stories, she would tell us about the adventures she would have with her two brothers during the war, how she always wanted a bicycle and what life was like growing up being the only girl in a hedonistic society, how she fell in love with my grandfather and the beautiful depiction of love she and grandfather had meeting during the war. She was the epitome of a lady, not many knew of her wondrous talents, gifts and her mind for numbers, patterns and story telling on the spot. She would write letters to us at every Birthday, Christmas and special time addressing us as Miss. Ashley Jones and always signing with hugs and kisses. I never saw her loving anyone with big hugs or kisses, I don't think she was brought up in this way, but her way of loving was kind, considerate and bountiful in letters. My grandmother was never the center of attention, she stood afar off in photos gracefully poised sitting, or in the background doing something. I am generally not like this even though sometimes I wish I could be. Today I felt a closeness of something gone, I recognized all these things just by her hand writing, I felt her hold me as a child, could smell her, could see her hands. It was a moment when I couldn't forget her, it has lasted all day.

honesty is the best policy...

I raise a cup for new adventures and exciting things ahead... 

I am captivated by certain things in life. I believe these certain 'particulars' to not just be something to which I humbly profess as the most honest and real moments of life, but absolutely without doubt that they are sacred. These are the things I get a kick out of....

I love waking up to sunshine on my face. Nobody told me to like it- I just do. I also really love going to sleep when it rains or thunders, I feel so secure being inside.

I adore the smell of Autumn air. 

I love scarves, I used to dress up with them when I was small. I still remember that one lime green scarf of my grandmothers that I would adorn over my face and wrap around my hair and neck.

I can sit and think about the things I love all day. I love to love these things, its never wasted time.

I make lists of 'desires' nearly once a week. Things I want to achieve, things I want to wear, things I think will make me happy.

I own certain books that I can read, look through countless times and learn something new upon each time. 

I cannot resist fine fabrics. They feel like everything that makes me a lady.

I am in awe of glass things, I used to get lost in department stores, I would somehow always be found laying on the floor looking at the chandeliers. I love how glass changes, how it forms.

I am obsessed wood, with drift wood especially. I can touch it and look at it all day.

I think white is the best colour. 

I love open fire places. I have fond memories of falling asleep under the Christmas tree looking at the fairy lights and being warmed by the fire. 

Christmas is without a shadow of a doubt my favorite time of the year.

I love silk and cashmere. They are my favorite fabrics.

I love coffee, I don't drink it often, but I love the smell of fresh coffee and I love when someone really knows how to make it. This is the only time I will drink it.

I love brown leather boots,belts and bags, rarely will I wear any other colour than this. I don't understand why.

I think I was born to live in the country, but by city and the beach. I am trying to find a happy medium in Sydney. 

I love when people are honest. It has to be the one value I hold most close to my heart about friendships. Honesty is the best policy... 

Pressure

I am sitting awake trying to attain great grades whilst feeling a sense of pressure. I am aware of how my life is changing constantly and at the present time I feel a sense of limbo about everything. I am really seeking truth, what my life exists for beyond what I already know and how I am ever to go about doing the things that are within my heart. It's strange to be finishing up degree this year, it has been one of the best times in my life and although I don't want it to end, it must- part of me is so glad to not have to study in such an academic tone again.

 My passion has always been art, for the past four years I have only dipped my feet in it and my soul craves the feeling of oil paints between my fingers, sewing machines running as I draw with stitches, fabric dyes that excite the eye and huge-bigger-than-life-canvases that I can be at one with in my spirit. I ache to display the information in my soul. I cannot believe that these four years have been like this, how some days I feel like I am about to burst with paint out of my mouth, yet unable to express what I feel. Instead this colour, this emotion and strong sense of being has been put into academics, tightened into a small box called assignments and timed into moments alone before the dawn breaks, just trying to figure out who I am as I read in all honesty who Jesus is. Theology has changed me, it has also constrained me. 

I have to admit in this four years I have hidden myself, Although I'm pretty opinionated, enthusiastic and in your face... I have hidden even with my closest relationships who I am inside. It's funny how you get called 'the painter' or 'the singer' when really nobody has ever seen you paint, or heard you sing. I talked with my best friend about this the other day, it's as if these things are written all over your face. I feel like such a hypocrite when people say, "oh she's that painter" I feel like bluntly speaking what I ask inside, "How the hell do you know?" because none of me feels like a painter... not one ounce of me feels like I have a slightest memory of what it is to paint. Knowing that in just a short few months I have the choice to acquaint myself with an old friend (paint) I wonder will he still be my friend? Will I have changed so much that we do not recognize one another anymore? 

I bite my nails. 

pedagogue

The other day I was enjoying a few broken minutes of time between study and I decided to do a little personality survey. I have done many of these before as it seems in a Leadership College they are a bit obsessed with helping you find out what type of person you are, what you are great at and also how to help you strengthen in the weaker areas. So... after a few years of saying I am a choleric sanguine I decided to find out the other 'me' of leadership. After a few odd forty questions it was there... ENFJ Extrovert, Intellectual, Feeling, Judging. The quiz took me through what sort of person I most likely am, what my strengths were and my most horrid weaknesses in friendships, personhood and even relationships are. I have to say everything was correct with the exception of one sentence. Pretty good eh?! 

After examination of my personality I came across an incident where I realized something life changing. I only ever come across people who will either love me, think I am the bees knees, or... I come across people who absolutely hate me- no matter what I have done. In the past years I have found this most difficult to swallow, feeling insecure, trying to find a middle ground with that person etc... to no avail. I have no clue what the combination of 'me' that is so detestable, but generally I come across one person per year that just can't stand me. I used to feel so upset because I could not make them like me, or persuade them to see a nicer side to me. After spending my wasted energies I have learned that it's o.k. not to like everyone and that I can continue to be myself proudly and to not shrink back and to continue in love. I have come to be more confident from learning this and accepting of who I am. There is nobody like me, nobody like you. The World would be missing something if you didn't exist. It's not about people pleasing, otherwise World leaders would cower into corners, and it's not about everyone liking you, that doesn't sit well either. It's about making the difference that only YOU can make. make it a good difference... 

mediation meditation.

Church life has been wonderful, and wonderfully busy. We held our first Art from the Heart festival at Easter... what to say??!!! It was challenging, changing and influential. I love how we think that another event in Church is just so we have a versatile and influential church, however these things change us in ways that can never be placed in the boxes we try to put them in. I am remembering promises, I am remembering prayers and I am remembering prophecies. Things are happening...

Things are changing for me, the weather is changing and I can feel it affect me. The change is not just in the weather. It's in me. It is becoming winter here, it feels as if the past year has been a winter/spring sort of spiritual season. Spring is definitely under way, the expectations I had for this year are being met quicker than I had hoped. In 2008 my year motto was that it would be a year of growth and promise. For 2009 it is for this year to be one of prosperity, fulfillment and expansion. I sometimes forget my roots for the year, but the fruit on the tree and the stretching and expanding branches of my life are testament to the expectations that I place on myself and on my Father for living a life of purpose, destiny and fulfillment of His kingdom. I am reminded of these goals today as I feel the cold weather hit my toes and my nose. 

For the past three years some gifts in me have been silenced, I have not so tangibly felt the unction of God calling or drawing me to do something in particular like He did when He told me to come to college here, it was the most real feeling of life that I had ever felt. Since that time things have been in silence. The other day this unction came back. I felt it inside of me like as if I had just seen an old friend, it didn't feel different- it was familiar and felt so good. I actually had to stop and think about it, it was such a familiar feeling, but yet I hadn't experienced it in three years. This comes when I know that my Father is up to something, up for teaching me new things, up for breaking my stubborn back in worship, and up to guiding my direction.  

My prayer today; teach me. 

sniffle nose

Had a bit of a hectic and amazing week. We had our annual women's conference, but I aptly re-named it 'change the world conference' packed full of women who don't just want to hear a message of beauty (although that is of worth) but actually a company of women who believe that God has created us to be the solution, not a problem on the Earth. 

I was inspired, cried a full day and saw some of the best views of the City from the Shangrila Hotel...

It was immense and although I managed to get quite a lot of rest I was tired afterwards and am just now catching up with life and sleep( consequently I have a sniffle nose...). I have come to realize that Church here has truly become my home. Many of the other conferences I watched in full awe at the stage, the productions, the talent and the amount of people who come from all over the earth just for a few days in hope that God is going to do a new work and start something fresh in their hearts. This year @ Colour I sat every service in the front section, didn't ever feel like it was a conference or something I am just visiting, but rather my home- my pastors, their friends visiting to speak and generally HOME. God moved, spoke to me and I received with a grateful heart, but none of that had to do with the lights, none of it had to do with the preachers, it wasn't a message that I had never heard before, but as Lisa Bevere said 'it's just simply putting weight of what you already know in your hearts" All of what I heard was Him alone. I love that. 

So as I try to piece together my schedule and plan together the Art from the Heart Festival Gallery for Easter I am reminded that it is HE ALONE who satisfies me and who gives me good things. I will listen... not to the awe, but to the voice. 

Learning French again...

Ok so I have a funny title for my blog today, but honestly it explains what is going on. Today I went shopping for the first time in a very long time. The past year I made a commitment to ony buy things that I needed and it was a great experience to deny myself that pleasure of shopping that can so easily make us greedy. No consumer compulsions for me... It was a strange thing to go out with the idea of buying something for 'me'... I know that this sounds crazy, but it was such a liberating thing for me to be thinking about what I am buying with a sense of decision rather than compulsion. At the beginning of the day it was difficult, I spent about an hour or so walking around like a headless chicken. I didn't really have a goal to buy anything in particular, maybe some skinny black jeans for work- but just to break my shopping fast was the goal. Don't get me wrong I'm not going to go crazy spending my pay- I just knew that I had to break the continued fast because otherwise I would get stingy with everything- thinking only in terms of "Well... this costs a whole month of support for a compassion child" I's good for me to think on these terms honestly- it makes my life worth more than the money in my pocket or for some it denies the tie of worth simply being what you don't have. 

I bought....

Chai tea in David Jones. It's a brand called T2 (Highly recommend it!)

One top  with a horse on the front... I like the freedom displayed in the print

One top that reads Pepsi on the front. Honestly I bought it because for me it speaks of the underdog (reference to Coca Cola) I thought that it would be funny to wear because nobody else would understand why I bought it unless I say.

So I'm learning French again. Well... in a sense. Something I spent years learning and unlearned because I should. And picked up again just because- well just because you never know what sort of French language skills you might need, and you never know when someone might ask you why Pepsi and not Coca Cola... You might just get to share with them a bit about how other people live without shopping. 

AMORE!

A sense of loss

This week has been one of my most trying yet. I feel as if I have been tossed around in a huge tsunami wave. I began a new job here- the work is hard, the people are lovely and I am enjoying every moment of going to work, working and indeed getting paid. My college life finally has begun it's last year of degree, my week is consumed with more things than I care to say and every week I am learning, growing and shaping up to being an adult- finally! 

The point?? As I was walking to work on Friday I was praying and attempting to listen to God as I walked (This is quite difficult for me as I talk more than anyone I know)anyway... as I was 'listening' I heard Him say that today would be an especially hard day. I thought to myself 'are you joking me?' after all, I was starting my day right- praying, worshiping, doing the pentecostal thing of speaking in tongues, thanking God for my job, my work colleagues etc what more do you want from me? but still- that was all that needed to be said. Nothing more after that statement, despite my questions... just silence. 

So I started work, nothing seemed too different at first, then I made a few mistakes which made me feel stupid ( is this the hard day?) Later on I noticed that something was slightly different in the atmosphere my boss was a little stressed out and certain things would just not go to plan throughout the day. It sucked officially. Then... I got a message from my dad- asking to speak with me... dum dum duaaaaaah (movie music) so upon taking my break we 'discussed' a topic I never in my whole life expected. I found out the 'hard' part of the day. It wasn't in my plan, wasn't something I expected, but through it all just knowing that God foretold me made me feel a sense of security in it- that everything was going to be o.k. that I didn't have to worry, that I STILL belong to Him. That He is in control over my life, not my circumstances, not my family, not even my own plans. Just Him. So despite my feelings of loss this week, my pain and my anguish He is God and I will love Him more every day of my life. 

walking on hot plates and coals....

This week is the hottest week of Australian summer since... well they don't even know when. I am finding this quite amusing as all I spend my life doing is sweating out the water which I just drank 30 mins before. It is uncomfortable, irritating and most definitely not productive. I am a sort of determined person, I hate laziness, hate confusion and desire peace- therefore this weather is disarming me as I have to do everything when it gets cooler in the evenings and also make sure that if I sit down I don't fall asleep because of my temperature rising. In my frustrations at the climate I decided to visit my friend who has constant air con in her house and thought- yeah I should leave at 7pm the sun is down and things must have changed. I was cool for 30 mins as I returned to my home and then my body got ahold of the climate again. STINKIN'!!! 

In thinking about life these few days before college begins (+reading a great book called irresistible revolution) I think that God is showing me restlessness with heat and teaching me, it's annoying! As I read about the annoyance that one young person got ahold of, this frustration is changing the world- one bit at a time. I wonder if my annoyance with something moves me to change? It is those people of restlessness that can and do change things, am i one of them? I think we could all get restless. We just don't. No wonder the New Covenant Church talked about comfort being our worst enemy. I pray that the restlessness that I am forced to submit to because of the weather is that same restlessness that moves me to change the Word. That I don't just visit comfort and think I can live there, but return with that same scream inside "CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE SOMETHINGGGGGGGGGG!"

winners!!

A few days ago- before Christmas I had a call from someone who claimed to be from my bank. I just answered and gave very brief conversation as honestly I thought what she was saying was just too good to be true. She said I had won something, ME??? I never win anything, in fact I feel sometimes like inside I don't want to get involved with be a winner, it calls for more more more and it's not something I am prepared to think about too much- marketing and advertising does enough of that for us. So I just said yes, "I am ashley- you can send that." I let it slide, not thinking it was true, then a few days ago I got a piece of paper in the post saying I had missed picking up a package, I thought it was for my friend Andrea who has been moving around a bit and not certain of address for her family to send Christmas gifts. Anyway- I walked aimlessly to pick up my friends package the other day, totally wrong mindset but I was thinking, here am I again- doing something for someone else in the sweltering heat and I'm not even going to benefit from it. (honesty is the bet policy!) Anyway, it was the 2nd of january when I first went and the post office had conveniently gone on holiday longer than the rest of us are allowed. I shrugged my shoulders and determined to get a coffee- I wasn't wasting my ten minute walk!! So today I roped my friend Andrea to pick up the package with me so I wouldn't have to carry her stuff all the way home and break my back in the process, but she said she didn't know of any packages coming, neither did I as my mum is the only one sends them!! We arrived and as I signed the dotted line my post office friend handed me an envelop- Inside I was like... ,"what just another piece of stinking mail that could have been left in the post box!!" Then I saw the logo for my bank and remembered the phone call, opened it in a dash and laying inside a mastercard gift card with 100 dollars of spending, it's not a credit card- just this thing mastercard brought out recently, kind of like a gift card- but you can use it anywhere for anything. So right now I feel reasonably blessed and confused. I don't deserve money, I didn't earn it? I didn't do anything to receive it, didn't pay for it, couldn't muster to think of what to even do with it. In pondering who I should give it to- send it to-just what to do I am stuck with a new revelation of Grace. I didn't work for it, didn't pay for it, but yet I have been given this gift. Same with Salvation, what did I do to deserve this?  I have no clue what to do but think about it in the respect of why do I have this? I wonder if people think the same thing about Christianity when we offer it. Oh yeah- it's just another gimmick,too good to be true. You see, we are so used to thinking that we are losers, inside we hope that we are winners- but why would we ever admit it? So when Christianity arrives we refuse, ignore and brandish it as a tele-sales person trying to get your money.Well, that is until it really arrives, really proves its worth, proves its noble efforts and for some arrives in the mail. 

hopelessness

I have come to remember a time in my life when I had no hope. I remember the deepest pain I have ever felt, the darkest depth I have ever sunk and the drowning feeling of every emotion being tears. I remembered this yesterday when I was discussing my salvation experience. It was a startling thing to remember this time, I had gotten so full of Christianity and church that I had forgotten the living Grace that should be so ever present in my everyday walk. I pray I never forget, not to mourn-but to rejoice that this HOPE is like nothing anything else can offer. I pray I don't forget because it means I will be testifying to the Salvation of my soul. I don't want to forget.

fashionable passions...

I am not sure wether it is just me, but has anybody noticed that our generation are passionate about causes beyond themselves?  I am in love with the time that God has me on earth for, I am overwhelmed at the amount of people I know that would earnestly live and die for a cause, wether it be justice, abortion, poverty, Gaza, Darfur- I am honored to be alive with such individuals that push the boundaries of society and aim to be the best in order to see a change. There is a song written recently in church by a girl that says,

 "I can see a change coming on, it's getting closer as a mighty revolution, we can be the change we want to see Oh we can be the change we want to see"

I believe that we can indeed see the change we want to see, that we can determine to live better than what we have been taught. I see it coming- I see...