S.O.S.

Sending out an S. O. S. Had my last degree class today- only one more assignment and one more at home exam and then I am free. Feels weird. Feels great too. Can't believe I have studied for so long and that now on the brink of change I am scared. I am freaking out inside about the possibilities- about what has to die, what I have to say goodbye to. I'm scared of the 'me' I will become, I am scared that 'me' is not really me. I want to be authentic. I aspire to be a World changer. I want to make movies. I want to get married. I want to write books. I want to paint all around the World. I want to see poverty first hand and not ignore it. I want to be educated and still understand that people are more important than paper. God I so want to be more like you everyday I exist. This feels so raw right now. There is so much more going on. I am aware that I need community to survive. There are moments I consider giving everything up, moments when all I desire is to be alone, be secluded and to have space. Although I want these things, they are not what I need. I hate having the need for community. Community is the most unselfish thing and I want to be selfish. Christianity sometimes stinks. I am called not to be alone, not to fend for myself, not to live for myself. This costs me so much, but there is such a reward. Weighing up the pro's and con's right now really isn't helping. This season is full of cost. I need assistance. Please. Jesus.