Speak and I shall be still.

There deems a tormented message to push its way into my heart. It tells me to deny love, to be alone, to be walled in, fenced, bricked, driven to solitary confinement sharing only the confines of security. I read this quote at the beginning of the year, penned it into my journal, my notebook and anything worth having really. Not a joyful quote, more of a threat. Not comfortable, not cautious. This is the warning for my year, no mantra or moto - this is the threat of what I want to be/not to be.

My dearest lover C.S. wrote such,

{ "To love is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- It will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." }

edited and transcribed.

Rush . Rush . Rush .

Hush . Hush . Hush .

Blush . Blush . Blush .

I equate my momentary mood with sleep deprivation. I have not much left inside my tank. I need sleep, rest and peace.

It's funny how just a small amount of change in your body can throw it off. Goodnight my world. I need to visit my dreams.

rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with them that mourn.

Today I have felt a definite sense of God making a way for me. Changing my season to be Summer or even just turned Spring. I cannot differentiate between the two because the past season was so long and so cold. I have a deep desire inside to know God more intimately and pursue Him as though we were on a journey of adventure far beyond the creative parameters of Hollywood films.

I am learning about the scripture where Jesus cries alongside those mourning for the dead, knowing full well that He would raise them to life again. I am learning that His humanity was not for our sake, but also to learn and grieve in that moment means that He was experiencing the fullness of our humanity and in that- HE SHARED with us. God does not need to feel what it is like to be human, His divinity is not limited to the incarnation- because He was and is Divine without us. This Scripture leads me to search for the face of Jesus in this story. Why did He grieve? Why did He exude those emotions, knowing that they would be superseded by the coming joy of resurrected life. My conclusion, that He wanted... better yet HE WANTS to share WITH US. God is sharing with us. In every moment. In every pain. In every Joy. He shares with us.

Me and my courage. Jesus and His incarnation... we continue

Prodigal.

Of recent times I have been the prodigal. Well let's face it, I am the prodigal. I have learned that Grace cannot be understood, no matter how much someone might talk me through it's qualities. I have no relative understanding in my mind of what it exactly is. I am mesmerized by it. Intoxicated by it's power and I have a crush on it's beauty. I cannot begin to explain away this grace I have been given.

On this journey of learning Jesus and the incarnation I have a sort of expectation of what I think my relationship will become... so far anyway... I want to know God in secrets that are 'Ours' I want the type of relationship with Him that is always connected to humanities plight, but not that of a rampant cause. There can be so much 'hype' about the Church, but truly, deeply I believe her plight is not for titles and embellishments, but to be clean-true-pure-holy. Of the Spirit, there has to be so much more than what I have already experienced, yet I know what I have experienced of such divinity is more than most. I desire connectedness with His spirit, because of Truth. The scripture in Romans 8 speaks to me with such truth I desire...

Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

I want the conviction of this scripture to embrace the today I live in. I want Jesus, fully. Without walls... I want Him without propriety. I want to know him, the carpenter, the neighbor and the one whom it was said was full of sorrows and acquainted with grief. I want to know why He would come for us, be like us. Be with us. Emmanuel.

Courageous much?

I haven't been doing too much reading recently, learning my new job and getting stuck into the year has prevented me from learning anything much other than church events and nanna naps when I get home... It's a great season to 'jump' right in and outwork all that I have learned over the past four years. But I am aching to read a book that seems to be rapturing my heart just before I lay my head to rest.

I have been craving to read this book I have, I got it in a random sale in a theological store years ago for $10. I have picked it up at moments, read a few pages and then got on with other things and forgotten to vigorously read through the book. I don't think this book was designed to be vigorously read anyways, so I guess that's ok. I'm just not used to reading small parts of books.

The book is about the people that Jesus came into contact with, His reactions towards them, how they responded to His love, His actions and His divinity. The author has mastered the small details within the New Testament and somehow captured these 'moments' of divinity that Jesus shared with those around Him, and shared in common the human nature of being ONE of US. I have concluded that I want to get to know this Jesus. I guess theologically it would be the 'Historical Jesus' and yes, that journey has already been discovered... but I want to find out for myself. I want to get to know this man as if He was right beside me. I want to know Him like He is physically with me always. I want this closeness with Him. My expectation is that this will change me forever... that's ok with me. Updates on this soon...

Me and My courage. Jesus and His incarnation... Let's do life together.

These things I know...

In all, in the end I can only trust in God.

That patience is necessary for preparation.

That fruit will always show a man's heart.

That season MUST change.

That God is only, ultimately, faithful truly.

That I am not perfect, nor am I near perfections road.

I have many years to live, but only this moment once.

That I cannot afford to live in loneliness.

That promotion to be true, must only come from God.

That Hope and Faith are different, unique, but they go hand in hand and never equate to an easy life.

That even though I try, I am always the unfaithful one in this divine conspiracy.

That things don't turn out how I had planned or expected, yes... they are always better.

That I am always free.

That I was born, created, exist and live for liberation, freedom precisely.

That trial, failure and heartache have made me a more beautiful home for my heart. They keep me un-calloused, renewable and effective for His purposes.

That my souls comfort has only one home.

To be who I believe, want, seek and desire I must only find these things within Jesus Christ.

That my purpose, identity and worth are not ever found in people, places, names or titles.

That I must seek truth before any falsehood.

That authenticity and genuine honesty are the traits which enable me to trust.

Anxious

Feeling a sense of anxiousness today. More like anticipation.... maybe? I read last night that anxiety is just something important tapping on your shoulder. Pretty decent eh?

I don't desire my circumstances to determine my trust in my Father. It's a strange paradigm, because God is in the little things, and in the Big. He is with Us. Yet He is different to Us. He is near, yet He seems far. He became like Us, yet He is not like Us. God I am feeling the shift between you being my Earthly friend and Saviour and you being this ever divine God.

I'm listening. I'm waiting for You.

sufficient.

can we breathe for a minute dear

catch our breath and loose our fears

for we know that throughout the years

we can smile.

its not long till you find your way

cover marks and unravel locks

there is much to be said for now

but we will smile dear.

we can make it a better place

we can draw out love and grace

offered to us from our delight above

giving us this truth in love.

is it time to be on your way

listen to ideas and live today

so gather your baggage and be on your way

you can wander with a smile.