After the beep

name it.

2010-12-17T03:46:00.000-08:00

There's nothing like a name to brand yourself. Your own name at that. Identification, easy public domain, access to personhood, no risk of stolen fingerprints.

she's a winner. that name.

branding. it's all in a name.

soho symphony

2010-11-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

migraine. i hate you. rain. the only thing i love is that you provide me with the opportunity to write.

London silence. there's not much worth in thinking about what could have happened at 18 deciding possibly not to move across the oceans and study a big ol' book on Jesus. however, the innate desires of fashion still imbed my mind. I exist and create a look book within my imagination before i sleep. drooling over those who live and love it in the day to day.

the shapes. the forms. the contours. the style.

there's purpose and then there's desire. there's compatibility and then there's desire.

create. edit. create.

Alas.

2010-10-10T01:11:00.000-07:00

So much inspiration over the past few weekends. More than anything I'm finding encouragement in knowing that actually - my esteem is worth the effort. The love affair with books, painting and writing has suddenly flamed into a phoenix and an unstoppable force. I am in love.

i will write you. eventually.

2010-08-31T06:38:00.000-07:00

french music. yes. it does wonders for the tired brain and exhausted mindset. i feel loved as they soothingly wrap their words around my world. it has been a busy and intense week. there are only a few more days until the photo shoot. half of me is exhausted. half of me is excited. there are more things to plan and more brain power needed to accomplish the task at hand. i work late and i work early. it is worth every inch of effort. it is worth more than my tired eyes. i have much in my brain to consider as i sleep. but i will sleep. eventually. i will write you. i will write you. eventually.

i will unpack. i will do my washing. i will organize my studio space. i will plan the writers club. i will read the end of my book. i will be thankful. i will cook for myself. i will rest on a weekend. i will book in an exhibition space. i will design. i will paint. i will. i will it. will i do it. i will do it all. i will. i will. i will. will i see you+smile?

florence and baggy jumpers.

2010-08-15T06:04:00.000-07:00

Loving some new tunes of late. finding . searching . longing . Being back in the hum drum/lovely life I live, I have thought to place some constants in my world. the search for endless inspiration is one. the consistent search for the colours of this earth and to one day invent one that has never been seen by the soul. i will find you.
Another goodness is my blue / op shop / mans / lambs wool / knit / jumper. This comfort is pure joy to my exterior epidermis.

loving this now

you will leave but carrying this tune.

2010-08-14T04:48:00.001-07:00

can it even get greater?

2010-08-14T02:58:00.001-07:00

2010-07-29T19:16:00.001-07:00

Colour 2011 from Hillsong Church on Vimeo.

vacation

2010-07-29T18:40:00.000-07:00

Time has beautifully been suspended in the domains of the sky as I have vacated towards my birthplace. From Scotland to Ireland and soon to London, there has not been one moment lost in appreciation for where I have come from, or the joys of seeing my beautiful sister wed her love, with a celebration of marriage. There have been the most momentous times with friends and family... I am a well nourished soul (A well nourished soul with a well nourished stomach). I will not even begin to account the chocolate I have consumed this last month. I spare a moment in thanks to the divine for gracing me with the highest metabolism. He must have known I would love chocolate this much.

Memories so far :

Seeing my sister, just as I arrived.
Skipping stones with my dad as we walked along a pier in Scotland.
My mums roast dinner and crumble she cooked tonight.
Seeing my sister in her wedding gown.
That first bite of Cadbury's caramel.
Dinner with my Pastor. Chats about books. The future.
Chats with Linda G on the sofa in Clements. That chai was so good.
The ceilidh at Jen's wedding. Yes boys in kilts do dance.
Seeing family I have not seen in years.
Hearing that my best friend might be interested of her own accord in the lover of her soul.
Walks in golden barley fields with cowboy boots and two faithful friends.
My new favorite game: Mexican Dominoes. Introduced by the Northey's
Seeing two of my best friends as husband and wife, AND playing Mexican Dominoes.
Drinking tea.
Fish and Chips and walking so far I got blisters.
Magheralin Church. Visiting my old choir pew, where I first fell in love with Jesus.

http://www.youtube.com/user/lauramarling?blend=2&ob=1#p/a/u/2/1YXKWOTGskY

{ vintage clothes . a few tea cups . sisterhood }

2010-07-29T17:33:00.000-07:00

today. a few girls grabbed a camera . some vintage clothes . and a few tea cups . this is our result .

NYC plans for Dec...

2010-06-16T08:51:00.001-07:00

divinitas

2010-06-16T08:13:00.000-07:00

The refinement: divinitas

Cautiously entering into solitude once again. This time is short, precious - When awake I write and detail with the keys beneath my fingers what the longing is within me. It's been a while. I dream of who I am to meet - who I will one day be. There are utterings of pursuit, there are moments of flutters, but without that satisfying contentment of who I desire. I am challenged to be glamourous in all ways, gracious with an heir of sophistication in this divine conspiracy. A Sofia Loren. To marry pearls with rubies, wake before the dawn and write the longings of my soul, My prayer for authenticity is matched with an equally deep longing to be more like Him. He is the authentic me. I need Him.

{ He is a lover. Looking for a lover. With one pulse of His heart I am in love. }

There is nothing like His love, there is nothing so sweet, ethereal and divine as He. I desire Him with a thirsty, unquenched core. I will not relent until I know Him more. He is my need.

I imagine that my love for Him could break the correlation with another, it is so strong I know nothing as beautiful. There is a bond deeper than I know now, but of that bond does it compare to Him? ...

2010-06-02T02:09:00.001-07:00

because I love it.

2010-05-31T05:03:00.001-07:00

Be Glamorous

2010-05-29T05:04:00.000-07:00

{ I have this wonderful T Shirt with a vintage print that reads 'Be Glamorous' I just love the idea of this phrase... It's got me to thinking recently.

There is something so special about a woman who is confident in her own skin. Something precious about a woman, although stunningly beautiful - can reach her hand to the needy. I am not talking about a false confidence, those girls who walk about with their model hair, clothing and who don't dare befriend someone ugly (although everyone is uniquely beautiful). You know the type I mean, so lacking in confidence that they make everyone else feel less than human. No, I am talking about the refreshing beauties who care firstly with beautifying their souls. They are attractive, fascinating, glamorous beings who nurture and care for others above themselves. This is the most costly beauty there is. If you meet them, something inside you longs to have what they have inside. There is that sense that this is what it means to truly be beautiful. Those classic beautiful souls that give the word 'Glamour' its nourishment. }

HOME

2010-05-26T05:56:00.000-07:00

Been thinking a lot about home. It might be that my two worlds have collided there at present. Or maybe it's because I know I am going home soon. I am dedicating this blog to my favourite Irish things:

1. Red Bricks

2. Clements dates

3. Percy Pigs

4. Shopping

5. M&S

6. Perfume that doesn't cost the earth

7. Blue skies

8. Waking up to fresh rainy days

9. Accents from up the road

10. Words/phrases like 'Ach' 'I' 'Craic' 'deuewknowwhadamean like?'

11. Walks at night

12. 'Localisms'

13. Guinness

14. Bread

15. Milk

16. M&S chocolate marshmallows

17. Viennese biscuits

18. Cadbury's

19. Galaxy

20. Topshop/Zara/Mango/Vera Moda/PerUna

delighted I get to experience these again. { Love my home }

what do you want??!!!

2010-05-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

Been contemplating so much for the future. Actually, I would love to imagine it's been 'so' much, it's actually only been the small decisions that refer to the future 'bigger' picture. Asking myself what do I actually want my life to look like. Found this lovely quote recently, "Follow your dreams, they know the way" and that ever so valid scripture that reads "A man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his path" ... I need to plan, need to expect, need to dream, need to prescribe my future.

What's more funny is that I truly believe in my dreams, I know they will happen - this makes me lazy at times. I am considering what it will take to be diligent. relentless. persistent. I like these words.

She...

2010-04-20T06:38:00.000-07:00

{She.

The perfect night to begin the chapters of the rest of my life. The perfect season to venture into newness. Time had passed, I was not waiting on anyone except my own confidence to guide me through the next few years. I have the stars to keep me company, enough love in my life to enthuse my human need and the court yard at number three with its cushions and French music to inspire my soul. Who am I waiting on? Well, quite frankly my own esteem. I, the great dramatist of life was confident and admiring. Sassy an untouchable artist, nobody had ever questioned it. Until him. Who really knows at eighteen? I had thought that he was what I wanted. Thought that he would be the only man to fill that place in my heart. Then I remembered her, She. She, everything that I dreamed I could be, everything that I admired and thought beautiful. Some sort of French goddess was she. I was seven, well actually I wasn’t - but seven was the best year of my childhood so I imagine when I met her I was seven. I imagine every good thing that happened in my childhood to have been in those three hundred and sixty five days. That year of perfection.

My family were on vacation somewhere, I think it was a saucy little weekend away for my parents – I can only remember the rain on the windows of the hotel and colouring in books with my sister in the hallways. And she, I remember she. SHE wore a black and white polka dot dress, graced to her knee with frills somewhere, just like all classic beauties have frills. She smiled every time she saw us. Had this grace, as if she touched heaven every time she smiled that generous smile of Paris rouge. I don’t remember her name, how could I – I wasn’t even Seven. But I remember her, the epitome of who she was. Who I longed to be. Who I knew I was. Unmarried. Happy. Successful. Beautiful.

I had been, since a little girl inspired to love like the movies, dance like the stars and sing like the angels. I couldn’t help that innate desire and longing for connection, to wear beautiful clothes, paint my fingernails and drape lime green scarves across my hair as if I were a 1940’s movie star in one of those sexy Cadillac cars. I couldn’t help but believe that someone, someone other than a best friend, someone other than my sister, that someone, some man would one day make my heart flutter and ask me to be his wife. Well just how could I fulfil my life’s purpose without one of those?

The issue with falling in love so young is that you imagine knowing everything about life. Think you can see the future because you experience this developed emotion called love. That four-letter word. The word that now disarms me, confuses me and exhausts me. L.O.V.E. so cliché, so demure at eighteen. Why couldn’t I just fall in love with life? In the teen years, you just can’t get enough of life, I thought I had something to prove, to do in this great World, to accomplish some great feat.

Who tells us these tales anyways? That to be successful, you must be married? It was never a spoken suggestion that we could only be fulfilled as individuals in the role of a wife, but this intimation is bred within our heart’s longing from youth. We desire to be connected; to be loved and love in return – but does this one love equate to contentment and happily ever after? There is absolutely nothing wrong with love, wanting to be loved or needing it for that matter. We have been created to love, but my question is – does our purpose only equate to being married? Does the lack of a sparkling rock on my wedding finger mean that I am unsuccessful?

Setting Sail

I had known. I had known the whole time. I knew that something was wrong, it just didn’t add up like my fairy tale. Some being had whispered to me in my sleep that it wasn’t right – but however I tried I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t imagine my life without him - but I also knew I couldn’t live my life without She. The person I knew I had been created for. She. Lovely. Beautiful. Adorable. Compassionate and passionate. She.

I wasn’t trying to become the French Goddess I had witnessed in my childhood. I wasn’t aiming at catching someone else’s falling star. I wanted my own. Eager and fervent for my dreams to be real, I had to let go of not being his. Not belonging to the ‘idea’ of love that I had imagined for so many years. I had to let go of my ideals – and figure out that he just wasn’t my ideal. Ideal for someone, but not for me. Taking capture of my soul, that wilting lifeless being – she was bound for home. I needed to nurture what I had left and let it live. Truly live. Comparison had to be the only funeral I was attending. I would only dress in that shade once more. There was a world waiting, a destiny in some foreign land and I was not going to miss my boat this second time around. So I set sail.

I decided to fall in love.

Fall head over heels with life.

I would refuse at all costs to listen to those brain waves that told me I needed to be the object of one’s affection. The course I was setting was completely new territory, unguarded, uncultivated and completely mine. Just the thought of what could happen was enough to give up, the thought of being a spinster for all my days, or that somehow I would never be needed – wanted – loved. I knew that deep down I still wanted relationship, but now with the life lesson I had acquired I wasn’t going to turn back and ruin my life by marrying someone I loved, but couldn’t live the rest of my life with. Nor was I going to dip into the waters of anything remotely new, not until I had adventured and loved this life alone. Setting Sail. There are some muscles that can only grow with time, I didn’t know then that this would be the next lesson.

Comparison

The beginning was deciding. Deciding. Making that step to no longer be reliant on someone to fill my heart with flutters and ecstasy. It was great. My emotional energy could be spent on creating, writing, loving and anything but enduring. I was relieved and woke up each morning smiling and thanking the Lord above for every breath, every moment and every laugh that now seemed so much tastier and full of flavour than before. My daily bread was not the joy of this new life, well not longer than a week at least, but truth became my mantra for life. I wanted truth, wanted honesty and desired it more than anything. It was the most exhilarating and dehydrating adventure. I didn’t expect it to look like this, but as much as my muscles ached – I knew that I was growing, and that I would come out stronger. Friendships had been amputated, severed, crushed. I needed new believers. Those who could only exist through heaven breathed prayers coming to life. The friends I sought were not those who would be comparing my life, or accusing me. They would be those who would accept me, appreciate, honour and love me. All we need is love. Is it that hard to be loved? Are we just that unlovable? Could I go on loving, adoring and cheering on those sisters that he had made my enemy? Yes. It was that easy. Just deciding that I would love – passionately, deeply and extravagantly like I had always wanted. I realized quite quickly that this decision was easy, I would ask to see people in the way of love. I would people watch for hours… falling in love with them as though they tangibly held a piece of my heart. Understanding body language, connotations in speech and eye contact. I figured out quite rapidly that we all feel and fear the same, but comparison – the fear that we are not that truly beautiful, not wanted, nor loved, nor needed – that this leads us to compare and scare ourselves away from being vulnerable, loved and honest. Yet what I truly desire is to be vulnerable, loved and honest. Even if it hurts me, I want to be a lover. I want my heart to be filled with such divinity.

This all got me to thinking about who I really am. What I really wanted. I felt more comfortable in my skin, I realized that even though I couldn’t please people, I could be pleased with life. I wasn’t going to compare myself, the tragedy of this whole experience only showed me that it is impossible to live as someone other than myself. Setting sail led me to the vast oceans, I had choice. I had promise. I held the compass. Goodness, I'm exhausted already... }

there's a lot of gumption in that gut.

2010-03-26T16:11:00.000-07:00

Dee Jones arrived. My mum. My friend. My confidant.

It's been incessantly obscure having her here. Strange how not seeing someone in years makes you really 'see' them in new ways. However, I love it. I'm learning her all over again... and her cooking... {yum } Dad comes in a few weeks. Until then it's DEE and ME.

Now is time to rest. Recuperate and rebuild. I am pretty fixed on developing who I am as an artist this year. It's an exciting thought, but it is something that is going to require oh so so so much of me. It's costly. I'm not sure if people will understand it, or me for that matter. It's different. Definitely. There are a few things coming up, like graduation, my sister's wedding etc. I want to make sure I am not distracted - but through these wonderful moments I can capture in images, moments, emotions what is most valuable to my life.

{future } I love you already.

the gift.

2010-03-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

{Oh my goodness, I cannot contain my excitement. Life is good, full of beauty and divine in every aspect. Continuing my journey of writing and developing my skills in communication, whilst being inspired and enthused by my surroundings and friends. I wake up thinking, 'why do I get to live such a beautiful life?'}side note... my mocha pot arrived today and I am more than ecstatic to smell the early a.m. brew before work. Now awaiting my delectable boots from the states (please hurry up). I have come to love online shopping for the sheer joy of receiving HUGE parcels at the front door addressed to non other than Ash Jones. That line in the Sound of Music has become true, //"brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things"//

Hoping to be a contributor for a few magazines - develop existing design skills over the next few months, as well as begin the solo exhibition I have promised my soul for about five years (really need to get the webpage up, I feel like a lazy butt when I think about this). It's been brewing, and finally I sense a permission to launch into this new season with every atom of creativity in my anatomy. Contemplating how to evolve my present book into a best seller. Where does this confidence come from? There is a divine conspiracy invading my life... I should not be this confident?!!

Much to do, much to love. Much to learn, much to adorn. Watched Julie and Julia. Alice in Wonderland.

.inspirational.

Speak and I shall be still.

2010-02-27T04:32:00.000-08:00

There deems a tormented message to push its way into my heart. It tells me to deny love, to be alone, to be walled in, fenced, bricked, driven to solitary confinement sharing only the confines of security. I read this quote at the beginning of the year, penned it into my journal, my notebook and anything worth having really. Not a joyful quote, more of a threat. Not comfortable, not cautious. This is the warning for my year, no mantra or moto - this is the threat of what I want to be/not to be.

My dearest lover C.S. wrote such,

{ "To love is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- It will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." }

edited and transcribed.

2010-02-23T02:53:00.001-08:00

Rush . Rush . Rush .

Hush . Hush . Hush .

Blush . Blush . Blush .

I equate my momentary mood with sleep deprivation. I have not much left inside my tank. I need sleep, rest and peace.

It's funny how just a small amount of change in your body can throw it off. Goodnight my world. I need to visit my dreams.

rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with them that mourn.

2010-02-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

Today I have felt a definite sense of God making a way for me. Changing my season to be Summer or even just turned Spring. I cannot differentiate between the two because the past season was so long and so cold. I have a deep desire inside to know God more intimately and pursue Him as though we were on a journey of adventure far beyond the creative parameters of Hollywood films.

I am learning about the scripture where Jesus cries alongside those mourning for the dead, knowing full well that He would raise them to life again. I am learning that His humanity was not for our sake, but also to learn and grieve in that moment means that He was experiencing the fullness of our humanity and in that- HE SHARED with us. God does not need to feel what it is like to be human, His divinity is not limited to the incarnation- because He was and is Divine without us. This Scripture leads me to search for the face of Jesus in this story. Why did He grieve? Why did He exude those emotions, knowing that they would be superseded by the coming joy of resurrected life. My conclusion, that He wanted... better yet HE WANTS to share WITH US. God is sharing with us. In every moment. In every pain. In every Joy. He shares with us.

Me and my courage. Jesus and His incarnation... we continue

Prodigal.

2010-02-12T04:28:00.000-08:00

Of recent times I have been the prodigal. Well let's face it, I am the prodigal. I have learned that Grace cannot be understood, no matter how much someone might talk me through it's qualities. I have no relative understanding in my mind of what it exactly is. I am mesmerized by it. Intoxicated by it's power and I have a crush on it's beauty. I cannot begin to explain away this grace I have been given.

On this journey of learning Jesus and the incarnation I have a sort of expectation of what I think my relationship will become... so far anyway... I want to know God in secrets that are 'Ours' I want the type of relationship with Him that is always connected to humanities plight, but not that of a rampant cause. There can be so much 'hype' about the Church, but truly, deeply I believe her plight is not for titles and embellishments, but to be clean-true-pure-holy. Of the Spirit, there has to be so much more than what I have already experienced, yet I know what I have experienced of such divinity is more than most. I desire connectedness with His spirit, because of Truth. The scripture in Romans 8 speaks to me with such truth I desire...

Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

I want the conviction of this scripture to embrace the today I live in. I want Jesus, fully. Without walls... I want Him without propriety. I want to know him, the carpenter, the neighbor and the one whom it was said was full of sorrows and acquainted with grief. I want to know why He would come for us, be like us. Be with us. Emmanuel.

Courageous much?

2010-02-11T04:18:00.000-08:00

I haven't been doing too much reading recently, learning my new job and getting stuck into the year has prevented me from learning anything much other than church events and nanna naps when I get home... It's a great season to 'jump' right in and outwork all that I have learned over the past four years. But I am aching to read a book that seems to be rapturing my heart just before I lay my head to rest.

I have been craving to read this book I have, I got it in a random sale in a theological store years ago for $10. I have picked it up at moments, read a few pages and then got on with other things and forgotten to vigorously read through the book. I don't think this book was designed to be vigorously read anyways, so I guess that's ok. I'm just not used to reading small parts of books.

The book is about the people that Jesus came into contact with, His reactions towards them, how they responded to His love, His actions and His divinity. The author has mastered the small details within the New Testament and somehow captured these 'moments' of divinity that Jesus shared with those around Him, and shared in common the human nature of being ONE of US. I have concluded that I want to get to know this Jesus. I guess theologically it would be the 'Historical Jesus' and yes, that journey has already been discovered... but I want to find out for myself. I want to get to know this man as if He was right beside me. I want to know Him like He is physically with me always. I want this closeness with Him. My expectation is that this will change me forever... that's ok with me. Updates on this soon...

Me and My courage. Jesus and His incarnation... Let's do life together.

These things I know...

2010-02-04T20:31:00.000-08:00

In all, in the end I can only trust in God.

That patience is necessary for preparation.

That fruit will always show a man's heart.

That season MUST change.

That God is only, ultimately, faithful truly.

That I am not perfect, nor am I near perfections road.

I have many years to live, but only this moment once.

That I cannot afford to live in loneliness.

That promotion to be true, must only come from God.

That Hope and Faith are different, unique, but they go hand in hand and never equate to an easy life.

That even though I try, I am always the unfaithful one in this divine conspiracy.

That things don't turn out how I had planned or expected, yes... they are always better.

That I am always free.

That I was born, created, exist and live for liberation, freedom precisely.

That trial, failure and heartache have made me a more beautiful home for my heart. They keep me un-calloused, renewable and effective for His purposes.

That my souls comfort has only one home.

To be who I believe, want, seek and desire I must only find these things within Jesus Christ.

That my purpose, identity and worth are not ever found in people, places, names or titles.

That I must seek truth before any falsehood.

That authenticity and genuine honesty are the traits which enable me to trust.

Anxious

2010-02-01T14:43:00.000-08:00

Feeling a sense of anxiousness today. More like anticipation.... maybe? I read last night that anxiety is just something important tapping on your shoulder. Pretty decent eh?

I don't desire my circumstances to determine my trust in my Father. It's a strange paradigm, because God is in the little things, and in the Big. He is with Us. Yet He is different to Us. He is near, yet He seems far. He became like Us, yet He is not like Us. God I am feeling the shift between you being my Earthly friend and Saviour and you being this ever divine God.

I'm listening. I'm waiting for You.

sufficient.

2010-02-01T14:42:00.001-08:00

can we breathe for a minute dear

catch our breath and loose our fears

for we know that throughout the years

we can smile.

its not long till you find your way

cover marks and unravel locks

there is much to be said for now

but we will smile dear.

we can make it a better place

we can draw out love and grace

offered to us from our delight above

giving us this truth in love.

is it time to be on your way

listen to ideas and live today

so gather your baggage and be on your way

you can wander with a smile.

seamless.

2010-01-28T03:19:00.000-08:00

It's the wind that keeps whispering when you are near,

the call and the confidence of being held dear.

I'm seamless. Seamless when I'm with you.

It cuts through my veins, through my bones to the core,

to experience more of me, and still there is more.

this seamless ragamuffin is tossed once more.

Around again, the story goes of the fall, the wasteland and the tall walls.

she sews up her sides, her wounds and her pride. Still seamless once more.

new.

2010-01-12T05:02:00.000-08:00

You make all things new.

Casting aside my fears this Truth.

Faithful to all who will come near.

Whispering softly, My dear.

Hither I went and found your lap.

Safely kept. I lay, I went for a nap.

Morning to come, and I was made new.

The mirror did tell it was not me, but You.

{Picture Little Fine Day}

intoxicating.

2010-01-08T01:53:00.000-08:00

For you are the worth in my soul. The price they bore, that made me broke. And broke me whole. Intoxicated by how you look at me, when freshly I don't know you. I look to you and I am not merely amazed. I look to you and I find the intoxicating desires I have been longing for this whole existence. Exposed to the ravens and crows, my beating drum is broken, there are holes inside. And there is nothing left in my tank. I have nothing left to offer the broken, for I am one of them. I want to trust again, but I am afraid of the operatic thunder storms which did brew behind me. Are they gone forever? Are they gone for good? Will they return again and will that damned raven steal my soul again? These questions are limitless, there are no answers for me here. The pondering and desires find their way back home. I want to get lost in you. I want to breathe into my parched lungs again. Are you the one I can trust? Be awakened my soul. Do not be broken no more.

resolve. preference.

2010-01-02T18:35:00.000-08:00

Embarking on this beautiful new decade, there are things to which I must resolve and things to which I prefer and therefore I work towards. It has honestly been the most difficult year of my life thus far, but in many ways the most exhilarating journey. I feel as though I have been shipwrecked, a cast away and now upon gathering my feet again I get to explore this bountiful land with which I find myself. There are new things to taste, to sense and most all of them are foreign to me. So I set the vision clear, whilst watching the boats of the past drift off into small shapes in my long sighted eyes. I set the vision so that I don't get confused, so that I don't side track or move with tides of emotions. There is treasure to be had, treasure that was always here but I wasn't ready to find. I have nothing but sheer gutsy determination and intuitive natures to guild me. I trust myself more than ever, I trust this intuition because it became my friend a long time ago. I trust this intuition because it is my warning bell, I've learned that I can do this, that I am more than capable, that I have these particular guts because there is much treasure to be found. I say goodbye to old friends, dear ones and loves not because I didn't love them, but because time came and time left. They have their own treasure to find, and I wish them well. This new decade brewds over me, changes the ancient skies to glow above colours of gold and blinding whites, they give peace to the storms which brought me here. I am safe and sound. I am here now...

running and resting...

2009-12-16T04:22:00.000-08:00

I have had the recent discomfort of unfortunate events. I feel the tug of isolation- yet the warm embrace of true friends. It's funny how season changes can develop or utterly destroy your current life. I guess that is the point. NEW LIFE comes forth and it brings with it complete birth of things that have been dormant and preparing for the past season while nobody was watching. It hurts real bad. It hurts so incredibly deep inside to know that my life will no longer be what I had dreamed and what I had put my trust in. My friendships have changed, my relationships have changed and my everyday living has changed. In the honesty of everything not one inch of it was purposed by my heart, I didn't plan it to happen, didn't want any of it to happen- but it did. I couldn't put off winter, because things MUST and WILL die. I tried to hold back on things, but that made it harder to say goodbye. I cannot believe that my life is this way. I cannot believe that things have turned out like this- but did I really think that it would be any different? I am severely struggling with how this has worked out. I don't want things to be like this. I hate this. I cannot imagine how I am supposed to cope with EVERYTHING being so different. I need such a confirmation that there is hope throughout this whole thing. I have already received an amazing and life changing word with such Hope, but I need God to actually speak to me, right here right now. Not about ministry, not about anything other than who He is to me and where is He in this whole situation. I need Him close and I need His comfort. I need to run and I need to rest. running and resting is what I need.

lyrical sundance

2009-12-08T05:26:00.000-08:00

sing a song of innocence I long to hear

tell me truths to calm all my hearts fear

take me away with you

take me along the high ways and byways to our home

where we will belong to one another, together, forever always.

there is nothing more that I seek, than the hope held within the meek

to adore the created, savor the maker

and trust in a lover, together, forever always

differing what I have lived before,

staring to the sky and opening ancient doors

released and free, to live in unity

I will trust you my lover, honest saviour, dearest friend.

make me like who you are,

to love in ways even when those are far

to forgive and be forgiven,

loved, hopeful and living for our greater days are yet to come.

only God knows...

2009-12-02T18:34:00.000-08:00

Had a bunch of things on the past few weeks. I graduated from my study here at Hillsong Australia, in the middle of that I had pharinjitis, which feels just like someone is strangling you and shoving sand paper down your throat at the same time. Made it public with 'the break up' and am currently sewing elf costumes. I have been avoiding people to an extent, but right now Im ready to face the questions and face the music of life. In just a few days all the costumes will be finished and I will have nothing else to do at present but rest. I need a holiday and had planned to go home for am month, however I think that I might have to put it off and just wait until my parents come in May and then go home for my sisters wedding in July. It has been a long and gracious journey. I feel God with me. I feel Him lead me.

Rest.

Seems so strange to imagine that. Im not sure what that means anymore.

you are failing me.

2009-11-24T07:06:00.000-08:00

My incessant need for perfection. My desire that people are good. My longing for truth. My hope that there is some inherent good in everything. My bliss in productivity. My sweet future in design. My trust in the unknown. My willingness to finish well. You are all failing me...

S.O.S.

2009-11-19T07:09:00.001-08:00

Sending out an S. O. S. Had my last degree class today- only one more assignment and one more at home exam and then I am free. Feels weird. Feels great too. Can't believe I have studied for so long and that now on the brink of change I am scared. I am freaking out inside about the possibilities- about what has to die, what I have to say goodbye to. I'm scared of the 'me' I will become, I am scared that 'me' is not really me. I want to be authentic. I aspire to be a World changer. I want to make movies. I want to get married. I want to write books. I want to paint all around the World. I want to see poverty first hand and not ignore it. I want to be educated and still understand that people are more important than paper. God I so want to be more like you everyday I exist. This feels so raw right now. There is so much more going on. I am aware that I need community to survive. There are moments I consider giving everything up, moments when all I desire is to be alone, be secluded and to have space. Although I want these things, they are not what I need. I hate having the need for community. Community is the most unselfish thing and I want to be selfish. Christianity sometimes stinks. I am called not to be alone, not to fend for myself, not to live for myself. This costs me so much, but there is such a reward. Weighing up the pro's and con's right now really isn't helping. This season is full of cost. I need assistance. Please. Jesus.

Resilience.

2009-11-11T03:38:00.000-08:00

I have learned that resilience is not only a product from trial. It is something much more profound than a consequential happenstance.

I would liken resilience to the bugs that never die. I hate those bugs, but I have an honor for how they were created. Resilience is that never-gonna-beat-me-down attitude that does not give up and always Hopes.

I am hopeful. In the midst of chaos. I am resilient.

I cried for you...

2009-11-08T04:43:00.000-08:00

Love this Katie Melua song- it speaks to my soul. Gosh there are some things that come and go in life where you can do nothing but cry. I'm not sure what young Katie was meaning when she wrote the song, but I take it as saying goodbye to something which has to leave despite the despair of saying goodbye.

There are things I have to say goodbye to even when they have been the happiest moments/times/days/friends in life. It is so raw. When you cannot say goodbye- but there is no other option. Grief is something so violent. It comes in different disguises. It is a deep inner cry that unleashes itself upon your tear stained pillow, it is the anger in a moment when you should feel nothing. It is the scream inside you feel when you are angry at yourself because you cannot afford yourself to be angry at anyone else.

When I was a kid I could afford to not say goodbye. Life was so full at that age that the only thing you wanted was a 'hello', now goodbye seems my daily mantra. Goodbye to youth. Goodbye to times of sheer joy. Goodbye to friends. Goodbye to mistakes. Goodbye to inspiration. Goodbye to the dreamer. Goodbye to freedom. Goodbye to love.

Oh how I wish it was not so.

I cried for you and the sky cried for you.

When you went I became a hopeless drifter.

This life was not for you, though I learned from you- that beauty need only be a whisper.

Beauty need only be a whisper. The beauty of what was, is no longer.

Thanks Jesus.

2009-11-03T07:23:00.000-08:00

You know, right now I don't actually have time to write a blog- but hey, Im missing out on sleep just to let this cyber World in on my exquisite mind.

This week has been crazy. More than that, it has been insane.

I thought that other weeks have been busier- but now this one tops it. I am awake at 2:24am I have to wake up at 6am and be at church until 5pm, then go to my writers club (where I will be mentioning my sweet blogs!) and thenthe next day is the same deal. I have two assignments due on Friday and I honestly have no clue where I will find the time to get them done. I might ask for an extension. In fact- I have tried, but my internet wont load the site properly. This stinks majorly. What blessings I am counting this evening:

The amazing moon.

The sound of crickets.

The sunshine- even if it melts my face off in the day time.

Air conditioning in our church.

Clean healthy water.

Access to the word of God, which is sustaining, life changing and renewing.

Great friends. Friends who inspire. Friends who guide. Friends who are strong when you are weak.

Access to the presence of God, I sometimes forget how much 'help' I need from the 'helper'.

Red nail polish. Because even though I feel like I look like crap, I look at my fingers and toes and see that really- I look like a movie star. Heck, I am my own movie star.

Max Brenners. If you don't know what it is-you have not lived in the abundance of Jesus.

Access to education. I am blessed to be a blessing. And one day it will all be worth the hard slog.

Macbook Pro. Because my silver friend, you enable me to reach the world.

Fabric softener, because if I forget to wear perfume- I smell gooooood.

Tooth brushes. because without them- I might not have great friends.

Today I saw many things to be thankful for. More than this petty list.

Thankfulness is the key to fruitfulness.

Timeless

2009-10-31T18:06:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months I have been more and more inspired to write- to learn about writing, and almost to unlearn everything I have ever known about writing. Yes indeed our beautiful English language should not be reduced to txt lingo in college essays, however there is something different happening with our language. I guess this is not something new, language has a certain power within itself to transform and revolutionize. When I read text books from the 70's I notice the change between then and now, again it seems every decade there is something new to say in our lingo. We are learning and it is valuable and transforming. Language marks the changes in our society- oh how we reminisce to MJ's lyrics whilst giggling at the prospect of that being 'cool', 'wicked', 'awesome', 'rad', 'sweet', 'ridiculous'... or whatever else deems the most popular word to describe the most popular thing in our most popular decade.

Last month marked the beginning of our writers club. A mix of different types came. We mingled, gathered and shared. I got so excited at the prospect of people gathering together and coming up with new ideas and ventures upon which to write. I was truly amazed at everyone's enthusiasm and charm about the club and this timeless hobby. It seems at the end of studying for my degree is the time when I have fallen in love with books- what a shame! Art calls my name and let's just say there are not really any books with words. Most artists presume that picture say much more. My two loves conflict, I want both! PICTURES AND WORDS PLEASE! As I engulf myself within Borders corners on my days off I discover new worlds, lost dreams and new dreams. I do hope this book phase will never end. I wonder if the books I write will become classics, or just dated within the decade I write. I guess that's up to the language I use.

Or is it that 'classic' is the outdated but oh-so-loved MJ song? I could spend forever trying to make what I write timeless, in the hope that those once the first kids to read, would read the stories to their grandchildren. Time is just another way of locking our history and secrets into books. Who we are, who we were. What we loved, what we now collect. Where we lived, Where we have explored. Maybe one day I will be laughing at the prospect of having a 'club' to write! Oh the joys of time.

the murder.

2009-10-28T07:19:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up to the sorry state of my street. The council had to unfortunately chop down many trees that lined our sweet entrance street. There were about ten in total. Inside the trees lived fruit bats- about twenty. And countless birds that would wake me up with singing or squealing. Tonight I found a lonely locust on my outside wall, I imagined that he lost his home too. The trees held a magical suspicion about them, they gave us shelter when walking the extreme summer heat, they covered your car when the hail storm hit with golf ball pellets. They kept the traffic from entering my bedroom. They kept me safe, gave me shelter and they were part of my home. They were so much more than that. Sometimes I would imagine how magical it would be if our street got together and closed the road- put up fairy lights and had a big dinner on a huge long table that was covered with food, red and white gingham table cloths and with everyone finding our home with one another, the connectedness that meets us at our doorsteps- yet we miss every day. The trees made 'our' street what it was and is no longer. It separated us from the rest of the community in a good way, we are the entrance into the busy suburb and the trees would always be there when you drove to work, and there again they would be welcoming you home to your family. They made the best parts of the day even greater. I am blessed enough to still have a beautiful tree outside my window, but I notice the difference when I walk outside. I see the locust and cricket missing a home. I wonder where the bats have gone. I wonder where the leaf spiders will hide to? I am listening to a song from Jason Upton called "chop down the tree". It seems pretty applicable right now. When I talked with the men chopping down the trees they told me the reasons why. It was not for pain sake, but because the trees had in their majestic beauty to power to damage our homes and our drains. They plan to plant new trees that will not have roots to destruct the road. It is a shame, however in this song I find a little rest in knowing that death is just another stage of life. Painful, but truthful.

How great are Gods sights

Mighty are his wonders

His kingdom has no end

Through all generations

Tree so tall

It was visible to all

Fruits of abundance

The bats and beasts lived under them

And a holy one said, Yes a holy one said

A holy one said

Chop down the tree

Strip off and scatter all the fruit

Let the birds and the beasts leave

For I am God

No kingdom comes above me

Yahweh

For as the rain comes down, from the skies

From the snows that come from the heaven above

They do not return there

But they water this earth, they water the earth

And they make it bring forth from them buds and the grass that grows

So shall my word that goes forth from my mouth, for it shall not return to me void

Just as the rain, just as the snow cleanses this earth- so does the word of God

It will cleanse us and keep us from sin

It revives us, it strengthens us, it saves us

Let the rain come down, let the snow come down, let it water the earth

Cleanse us. Revive us. Strengthen us. save us.

This is the truth, this is the truth that sets us free, that sets us free.

Truth. This is the truth.

Tormented Youth

2009-10-22T06:09:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of weeks I have come across teenagers in abundance. Unlike most Christians my age I AM NOT A YOUTH LEADER. It's not that I don't like kids, it's just that I have older friends and seem to mix and influence people over the age of 20. The 'stream' of Church I find myself in is for 25-35 year olds. I am still 22. I don't know how this happened. It just did.

Anyway... TEENS! I am noticing the horrors of the teenage years around me all of a sudden. Their faces are miserable. They swear and smoke more than grown ups. They have this look that says "You owe me something" Like they have been jilted in life. They either dress gothic and have piercings all over, or else they act mindless smiling, laughing and drunk around the place, kissing everything of the opposite- or even the same sex. I remember people used to say to me, "Oh I would never be a teenager again if you paid me" I used to think those people were old farts. Now I realize why. Arhh I'm just disgusted by the body odor, the massages in public places, the rough attitudes, the proving-I'm-worth-something. What the heck did hormones do to us? I feel like my teenage years weren't like this. I remember some boy troubles, but never like the kids I see today. (Gosh I sound like an old fart) Was I really that obnoxious?

In this state on nostalgia... here are some of my teen photos.

HOME.

2009-10-21T05:43:00.000-07:00

Ok so for the past few days I have been sick with a tummy bug. I hate being sick. I hate sickness. As soon as I was somewhat better, there I was rubber gloves on cleaning up the kitchen. In one of those moments where you snapshot your life, I wondered why is it only me that would be cleaning after just recovering from being sick? I was dizzy and a little bit crazy, but there I was cleaning. Isn't this a strange habit to posses? I have come to realize that even though I am messy sometimes- I am really a clean freak. I don't know whether this is good or bad. I enjoy perfection. I enjoy design and when I walk into a space I feel it on my skin. Isn't this normal?! Apparently not for most people my age.

This has become one of the contention points within my house (full of gorgeous and some very single ladies from all over the World). I genuinely appreciate acts of service, it is how I love people and how I serve those whom I live with. This is not a 'gift' that many people afford to give. It is one that I crave others would give to me and to be quite honest- (in my moment of delirium after a tummy bug I will be honest) I get ticked off when people leave mess and then in order for me to enjoy space, I have to clean up their mess? For example: toilets. If you do a #2 be gracious enough to not leave it, or the running track of it at least. Or someone makes toast, not using a plate and then for the rest of the day the remains of the toast crumbs sit on the bench waiting for an unsuspecting bug to chomp it up or else me to clean it up. Or another example, when someone washes the floor- rather than brushing it up and then mopping, they decide to do a two-in-one-job and mop the hair and dirt into the sides of the wall. oh what a delight for someone like me... Am I controlling? wouldn't anyone get frustrated?!

I have a longing, not to live alone or be a hermit- but to have my own space. I dream of putting my furniture there and coming home to an atmosphere with lit candles and sweet smells of home cooked food. I desire space where I can listen to music and be captivated by the sounds of what lies outside my window. I desire peace. I want a place where I can read, write songs, paint and delight in the space provided. I want to wander across the earth and to bring back memories in pictures, artifacts and textiles into my home. I desire to invite and share with people in my home. Tea, coffee, chocolate and charity events. Gardening clubs and cooking lessons. Writers clubs, cheese and wine tasting. Art exhibitions and fine art lessons. Delight.

I know Im only 22 and that most people my age are not that concerned with these things, but inside I feel ready to make a home. It's not about being married or having kids (although they would be nice in due time) this is about space. HOME. It's funny how I imagine this place, and although this might be my desire in my mind I reckon I am longing for something else. I am longing for Home that may be available in an expression on Earth- yet is only that, an expression HOME. I am reminded of that song by U2 that exclaims;

walk on. the only baggage you can bring is all that you can't leave behind. a place that has to be believed to be seen. Home: hard to know where it is if you've never had one. Home: I can't say where it is but I know I'm going. All that you build and all that you break.

How do I know that this physical home I desire exists? Is it my Western mind thinking for me? Or is it a desire that I have already tasted of? What is home? What is home to those who have never seen it?

Last week I walked down a street that from where I first stood looked like a beautiful suburb. As I walked under the night sky towards this street I was aware that this was not the picture I first imagined. I was expecting a new suburb to fall in love with alongside the few others in Sydney I have found. This was no such place. I could see inside some of these homes, although the bricks and mortar looked beautiful with overlooking balconies and trees that lined the center street, there was a restlessness there. Kids were playing after 11pm and running around these streets, young men scurried into corners and drugs were dealt even with street lamps shinning. As I reached the end of the street there were around 20 people homeless laying under a bridge. I have never collectively seen so many people homeless. I was challenged. I was scared. I wanted to run away and forget the images I had seen. What really is home? Is it space?Is it place? Is it rest? Is it peace? Im restless with these thoughts. I am so blessed.

sticks, twigs and skinny things.

2009-10-19T07:25:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh I am so tired. Today was a horrible day. I lost something, walked around too much in a shopping mall and wrote a late assignment. I don't feel like I'm doing life that great but in the ungreatness of me doing life I am finding I am looking to 'Him' more than ever before. I need Him, want Him and crave Him.

I wrote this today:

And this is me on bended knee, offering me I do ascribe to thee. My plea: I want to be free.

Is it you my love. Cherished dove. The one and Only Blessed and Holy?

Is it you Spirit and Son. Three in one. Offering me love that makes me undone?

Complicated are the mysteries, my desires and my histories they sing to me...

Taken back and breathing in. Taken back Im taking you in. You win.

Winner of all things true. Maker of all things new. I choose... I choose. I choose You.

Enough of me and my tiring restless wanderings. I need HIM.

Above us more than sky

2009-10-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been filled with study and restlessness. During this time I have written four children's books, painted for a major exhibition and messed up my bedroom more than once. I have visited the City many times and stayed over at friends houses. I have volunteered in Church and ran around finding costumes for a Christmas event. I am not tired... this is different.

I am now in a state of slow.

I am struggling with forgiveness and grace. I don't get it. I can't fathom it. I need time.

I need space right now. I need space to breathe and to explore with God. I need soothing music and time to tidy up my clothes. I need to think alone.

I have this basket with books I want to finish reading.

I have a journal I want to write in.

I have music my ears want to listen to.

I have daylight my feet need to walk under.

I have scarves I want to wear.

and I need time. I need time to do the things that make me who I am. Above us is more than sky. I delight in this, but I struggle with the concept of incarnation. Forgiveness and Grace, although near to me are foreign to me.

Making Monday Marvelous

2009-09-14T03:07:00.000-07:00

Recently I was challenged to view Mondays in a different way. I had always tried to make them great- however I think I was struggling with the same feeling as everyone else I know on a Sunday night. Apparently more people commit suicide on a Monday than any other day, Monday is the day the majority of the population look forward to least. What is wrong with this day, isn't it just like any other? Do the Saturdays and Sundays of our lives have to be the only time we relax, let our hair down and enjoy our lives? Monday is a great day- it can be the making or breaking of your week, but it all is determined by our attitudes toward it.

MyMakingMondayMarvelous:

I decided that I would do a particular thing that I would most enjoy and would only allow myself to do on this day. My choice, to have a pampering time and listen to Opera. I also decided to write my boyfriend a love letter on Mondays. It is the time I pray for friends and family most and I try to take time to myself to be inspired and do some artistic adventures.

Why do Monday's have to be monotonous? Make them marvelous!

Desk.

2009-09-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

Do you ever think about a word and how it came to life? Say it aloud. Desk. Isn't that a funny word?

So the other day I got to clearing out my Desk and sorting through some papers etc. I find that a desk can be an amazing space, a place where I communicate to myself that learning is fun, that life is to be enjoyed and that work is not a bad thing.

I make my desk a little site for inspiration. It includes my favorite books of the moment, theology books, commentaries and at the moment a book I just adore, 'Where will you be in five years?' (if you don't have it- get it) hand picked drift wood from my two favorite beaches in Australia: Palm and Balmoral, Lilies that my boyfriend gave to me, some pictures that I drew, snippets from decor magazines that I love and recycled jam jars made into pen holders with brown paper labels. I also made a hanging contraption that holds my statement/prayer for the second half of the year.

It reads: 'Turn my stresses into prayers, my frustrations into praises, my fears into faith and my sadness into dancing.'

My desk also holds brochures of things that I want to do, things I need to make time for and my weirdo collection of postcards from Art galleries all around the World. The next few weeks will be the last that I use my desk, I will always have stuff on it- keep it as a home for my laptop, but I wont be sitting at it for the same amount of hours that I have for the past four years, my next 'desk' will be an art studio, a garage, a living room, an easel. Im so captivated by the idea of really getting to do what I have wanted to do my whole life. Theology has been an amazing journey, it has made me a better person, given me vision, allowed me to see God clearly and answered my questions when nobody else could answer me. I love how this desk has changed me, how the endless hours, nights and early mornings of reading on it, sitting by it and leaning on it have made me a better person. I love how it has formed from a plain white Ikea contraption into a place of Hope, Inspiration and Desire. I love my desk, that the possibilities of learning are endless. What's on your desk?

Where is the best place on the Earth?

2009-08-23T23:54:00.000-07:00

Final and ultimate answer:

Sydney

reason 1. in Winter it feels like summer

reason 2. you can avoid the extreme heat with air conditioning

reason 3. everyone is happy because of the weather

reason 4. you can wear cute summer dresses in Winter

reason 5. they started making percy pigs

reason 6. you can go to church everyday @ Hillsong

reason 7. you can make lots of money painting

reason 8. the beach is not just one place, but many each with their own personalities

reason 9. it is a city of many cultures which means you can eat many varieties of food

reason 10. there are mountains in view from my house

reason 11. everything you could want is within a few hours drive

reason 12. you can skype home

reason 13. in four years of living here I am still finding new things to do

reason 14. the Australian accent begins to sound normal

reason 15. the gum trees and eucalyptus trees are beautiful

reason 16. having a tan makes you look half alive

reason 17. when it rains, its fun!

reason 18. the skies at sundown are spectacular

reason 19. there's a place called 3 Darcy street and a family that are pretty special

reason 20. Why would you want to live anywhere else?

forget me not.

2009-08-16T08:09:00.000-07:00

So today I was searching through a bunch of old things. Firstly I love old things, they remind me of what is important in life and grab my attention to think on true priorities. So as I searched through photographs and letters I found a letter from my grandmother written four years ago when I moved to Australia. She had this elegance about her that I could tangibly feel as I read her handwritten statements of love. Ina Jones was proper, came from a wealthy background and as my mother would say 'good breeding' as if we are the pedigree or elite of society. Granny J was pretty, she was so intelligent and nothing about her was simple. She had this way of making you behave just by how she talked to you and held her posture. She hated that I bit my nails. She had beautiful hands, long nails and her veins would sit up on the backs of her hands because her skin was old. I was totally envious my whole childhood of her beautiful hands. They made her the most graceful woman on the planet I could watch her read, cook, or talk but the only thing I would watch would be those graceful utensils. I don't have hands like grandma, I have stubby fingers with big knuckles. My hands are super strong and my nails are short. I wish I could have her hands. Another thing about my grandmother was her mind, she was brilliant at puzzles, mind games and could always figure out the serial killer in movies just by watching the opening scene. One thing I did inherit was this... I always guess the killer!! She was the best at telling stories, she would tell us about the adventures she would have with her two brothers during the war, how she always wanted a bicycle and what life was like growing up being the only girl in a hedonistic society, how she fell in love with my grandfather and the beautiful depiction of love she and grandfather had meeting during the war. She was the epitome of a lady, not many knew of her wondrous talents, gifts and her mind for numbers, patterns and story telling on the spot. She would write letters to us at every Birthday, Christmas and special time addressing us as Miss. Ashley Jones and always signing with hugs and kisses. I never saw her loving anyone with big hugs or kisses, I don't think she was brought up in this way, but her way of loving was kind, considerate and bountiful in letters. My grandmother was never the center of attention, she stood afar off in photos gracefully poised sitting, or in the background doing something. I am generally not like this even though sometimes I wish I could be. Today I felt a closeness of something gone, I recognized all these things just by her hand writing, I felt her hold me as a child, could smell her, could see her hands. It was a moment when I couldn't forget her, it has lasted all day.

honesty is the best policy...

2009-06-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

I raise a cup for new adventures and exciting things ahead...

I am captivated by certain things in life. I believe these certain 'particulars' to not just be something to which I humbly profess as the most honest and real moments of life, but absolutely without doubt that they are sacred. These are the things I get a kick out of....

I love waking up to sunshine on my face. Nobody told me to like it- I just do. I also really love going to sleep when it rains or thunders, I feel so secure being inside.

I adore the smell of Autumn air.

I love scarves, I used to dress up with them when I was small. I still remember that one lime green scarf of my grandmothers that I would adorn over my face and wrap around my hair and neck.

I can sit and think about the things I love all day. I love to love these things, its never wasted time.

I make lists of 'desires' nearly once a week. Things I want to achieve, things I want to wear, things I think will make me happy.

I own certain books that I can read, look through countless times and learn something new upon each time.

I cannot resist fine fabrics. They feel like everything that makes me a lady.

I am in awe of glass things, I used to get lost in department stores, I would somehow always be found laying on the floor looking at the chandeliers. I love how glass changes, how it forms.

I am obsessed wood, with drift wood especially. I can touch it and look at it all day.

I think white is the best colour.

I love open fire places. I have fond memories of falling asleep under the Christmas tree looking at the fairy lights and being warmed by the fire.

Christmas is without a shadow of a doubt my favorite time of the year.

I love silk and cashmere. They are my favorite fabrics.

I love coffee, I don't drink it often, but I love the smell of fresh coffee and I love when someone really knows how to make it. This is the only time I will drink it.

I love brown leather boots,belts and bags, rarely will I wear any other colour than this. I don't understand why.

I think I was born to live in the country, but by city and the beach. I am trying to find a happy medium in Sydney.

I love when people are honest. It has to be the one value I hold most close to my heart about friendships. Honesty is the best policy...

Pressure

2009-06-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

I am sitting awake trying to attain great grades whilst feeling a sense of pressure. I am aware of how my life is changing constantly and at the present time I feel a sense of limbo about everything. I am really seeking truth, what my life exists for beyond what I already know and how I am ever to go about doing the things that are within my heart. It's strange to be finishing up degree this year, it has been one of the best times in my life and although I don't want it to end, it must- part of me is so glad to not have to study in such an academic tone again.

My passion has always been art, for the past four years I have only dipped my feet in it and my soul craves the feeling of oil paints between my fingers, sewing machines running as I draw with stitches, fabric dyes that excite the eye and huge-bigger-than-life-canvases that I can be at one with in my spirit. I ache to display the information in my soul. I cannot believe that these four years have been like this, how some days I feel like I am about to burst with paint out of my mouth, yet unable to express what I feel. Instead this colour, this emotion and strong sense of being has been put into academics, tightened into a small box called assignments and timed into moments alone before the dawn breaks, just trying to figure out who I am as I read in all honesty who Jesus is. Theology has changed me, it has also constrained me.

I have to admit in this four years I have hidden myself, Although I'm pretty opinionated, enthusiastic and in your face... I have hidden even with my closest relationships who I am inside. It's funny how you get called 'the painter' or 'the singer' when really nobody has ever seen you paint, or heard you sing. I talked with my best friend about this the other day, it's as if these things are written all over your face. I feel like such a hypocrite when people say, "oh she's that painter" I feel like bluntly speaking what I ask inside, "How the hell do you know?" because none of me feels like a painter... not one ounce of me feels like I have a slightest memory of what it is to paint. Knowing that in just a short few months I have the choice to acquaint myself with an old friend (paint) I wonder will he still be my friend? Will I have changed so much that we do not recognize one another anymore?

I bite my nails.

pedagogue

2009-05-05T04:50:00.000-07:00

The other day I was enjoying a few broken minutes of time between study and I decided to do a little personality survey. I have done many of these before as it seems in a Leadership College they are a bit obsessed with helping you find out what type of person you are, what you are great at and also how to help you strengthen in the weaker areas. So... after a few years of saying I am a choleric sanguine I decided to find out the other 'me' of leadership. After a few odd forty questions it was there... ENFJ Extrovert, Intellectual, Feeling, Judging. The quiz took me through what sort of person I most likely am, what my strengths were and my most horrid weaknesses in friendships, personhood and even relationships are. I have to say everything was correct with the exception of one sentence. Pretty good eh?!

After examination of my personality I came across an incident where I realized something life changing. I only ever come across people who will either love me, think I am the bees knees, or... I come across people who absolutely hate me- no matter what I have done. In the past years I have found this most difficult to swallow, feeling insecure, trying to find a middle ground with that person etc... to no avail. I have no clue what the combination of 'me' that is so detestable, but generally I come across one person per year that just can't stand me. I used to feel so upset because I could not make them like me, or persuade them to see a nicer side to me. After spending my wasted energies I have learned that it's o.k. not to like everyone and that I can continue to be myself proudly and to not shrink back and to continue in love. I have come to be more confident from learning this and accepting of who I am. There is nobody like me, nobody like you. The World would be missing something if you didn't exist. It's not about people pleasing, otherwise World leaders would cower into corners, and it's not about everyone liking you, that doesn't sit well either. It's about making the difference that only YOU can make. make it a good difference...

mediation meditation.

2009-04-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

Church life has been wonderful, and wonderfully busy. We held our first Art from the Heart festival at Easter... what to say??!!! It was challenging, changing and influential. I love how we think that another event in Church is just so we have a versatile and influential church, however these things change us in ways that can never be placed in the boxes we try to put them in. I am remembering promises, I am remembering prayers and I am remembering prophecies. Things are happening...

Things are changing for me, the weather is changing and I can feel it affect me. The change is not just in the weather. It's in me. It is becoming winter here, it feels as if the past year has been a winter/spring sort of spiritual season. Spring is definitely under way, the expectations I had for this year are being met quicker than I had hoped. In 2008 my year motto was that it would be a year of growth and promise. For 2009 it is for this year to be one of prosperity, fulfillment and expansion. I sometimes forget my roots for the year, but the fruit on the tree and the stretching and expanding branches of my life are testament to the expectations that I place on myself and on my Father for living a life of purpose, destiny and fulfillment of His kingdom. I am reminded of these goals today as I feel the cold weather hit my toes and my nose.

For the past three years some gifts in me have been silenced, I have not so tangibly felt the unction of God calling or drawing me to do something in particular like He did when He told me to come to college here, it was the most real feeling of life that I had ever felt. Since that time things have been in silence. The other day this unction came back. I felt it inside of me like as if I had just seen an old friend, it didn't feel different- it was familiar and felt so good. I actually had to stop and think about it, it was such a familiar feeling, but yet I hadn't experienced it in three years. This comes when I know that my Father is up to something, up for teaching me new things, up for breaking my stubborn back in worship, and up to guiding my direction.

My prayer today; teach me.

sniffle nose

2009-04-04T06:40:00.000-07:00

Had a bit of a hectic and amazing week. We had our annual women's conference, but I aptly re-named it 'change the world conference' packed full of women who don't just want to hear a message of beauty (although that is of worth) but actually a company of women who believe that God has created us to be the solution, not a problem on the Earth.

I was inspired, cried a full day and saw some of the best views of the City from the Shangrila Hotel...

It was immense and although I managed to get quite a lot of rest I was tired afterwards and am just now catching up with life and sleep( consequently I have a sniffle nose...). I have come to realize that Church here has truly become my home. Many of the other conferences I watched in full awe at the stage, the productions, the talent and the amount of people who come from all over the earth just for a few days in hope that God is going to do a new work and start something fresh in their hearts. This year @ Colour I sat every service in the front section, didn't ever feel like it was a conference or something I am just visiting, but rather my home- my pastors, their friends visiting to speak and generally HOME. God moved, spoke to me and I received with a grateful heart, but none of that had to do with the lights, none of it had to do with the preachers, it wasn't a message that I had never heard before, but as Lisa Bevere said 'it's just simply putting weight of what you already know in your hearts" All of what I heard was Him alone. I love that.

So as I try to piece together my schedule and plan together the Art from the Heart Festival Gallery for Easter I am reminded that it is HE ALONE who satisfies me and who gives me good things. I will listen... not to the awe, but to the voice.

Learning French again...

2009-02-17T23:56:00.001-08:00

Ok so I have a funny title for my blog today, but honestly it explains what is going on. Today I went shopping for the first time in a very long time. The past year I made a commitment to ony buy things that I needed and it was a great experience to deny myself that pleasure of shopping that can so easily make us greedy. No consumer compulsions for me... It was a strange thing to go out with the idea of buying something for 'me'... I know that this sounds crazy, but it was such a liberating thing for me to be thinking about what I am buying with a sense of decision rather than compulsion. At the beginning of the day it was difficult, I spent about an hour or so walking around like a headless chicken. I didn't really have a goal to buy anything in particular, maybe some skinny black jeans for work- but just to break my shopping fast was the goal. Don't get me wrong I'm not going to go crazy spending my pay- I just knew that I had to break the continued fast because otherwise I would get stingy with everything- thinking only in terms of "Well... this costs a whole month of support for a compassion child" I's good for me to think on these terms honestly- it makes my life worth more than the money in my pocket or for some it denies the tie of worth simply being what you don't have.

I bought....

Chai tea in David Jones. It's a brand called T2 (Highly recommend it!)

One top with a horse on the front... I like the freedom displayed in the print

One top that reads Pepsi on the front. Honestly I bought it because for me it speaks of the underdog (reference to Coca Cola) I thought that it would be funny to wear because nobody else would understand why I bought it unless I say.

So I'm learning French again. Well... in a sense. Something I spent years learning and unlearned because I should. And picked up again just because- well just because you never know what sort of French language skills you might need, and you never know when someone might ask you why Pepsi and not Coca Cola... You might just get to share with them a bit about how other people live without shopping.

AMORE!

A sense of loss

2009-02-07T07:16:00.000-08:00

This week has been one of my most trying yet. I feel as if I have been tossed around in a huge tsunami wave. I began a new job here- the work is hard, the people are lovely and I am enjoying every moment of going to work, working and indeed getting paid. My college life finally has begun it's last year of degree, my week is consumed with more things than I care to say and every week I am learning, growing and shaping up to being an adult- finally!

The point?? As I was walking to work on Friday I was praying and attempting to listen to God as I walked (This is quite difficult for me as I talk more than anyone I know)anyway... as I was 'listening' I heard Him say that today would be an especially hard day. I thought to myself 'are you joking me?' after all, I was starting my day right- praying, worshiping, doing the pentecostal thing of speaking in tongues, thanking God for my job, my work colleagues etc what more do you want from me? but still- that was all that needed to be said. Nothing more after that statement, despite my questions... just silence.

So I started work, nothing seemed too different at first, then I made a few mistakes which made me feel stupid ( is this the hard day?) Later on I noticed that something was slightly different in the atmosphere my boss was a little stressed out and certain things would just not go to plan throughout the day. It sucked officially. Then... I got a message from my dad- asking to speak with me... dum dum duaaaaaah (movie music) so upon taking my break we 'discussed' a topic I never in my whole life expected. I found out the 'hard' part of the day. It wasn't in my plan, wasn't something I expected, but through it all just knowing that God foretold me made me feel a sense of security in it- that everything was going to be o.k. that I didn't have to worry, that I STILL belong to Him. That He is in control over my life, not my circumstances, not my family, not even my own plans. Just Him. So despite my feelings of loss this week, my pain and my anguish He is God and I will love Him more every day of my life.

walking on hot plates and coals....

2009-01-14T00:31:00.000-08:00

This week is the hottest week of Australian summer since... well they don't even know when. I am finding this quite amusing as all I spend my life doing is sweating out the water which I just drank 30 mins before. It is uncomfortable, irritating and most definitely not productive. I am a sort of determined person, I hate laziness, hate confusion and desire peace- therefore this weather is disarming me as I have to do everything when it gets cooler in the evenings and also make sure that if I sit down I don't fall asleep because of my temperature rising. In my frustrations at the climate I decided to visit my friend who has constant air con in her house and thought- yeah I should leave at 7pm the sun is down and things must have changed. I was cool for 30 mins as I returned to my home and then my body got ahold of the climate again. STINKIN'!!!

In thinking about life these few days before college begins (+reading a great book called irresistible revolution) I think that God is showing me restlessness with heat and teaching me, it's annoying! As I read about the annoyance that one young person got ahold of, this frustration is changing the world- one bit at a time. I wonder if my annoyance with something moves me to change? It is those people of restlessness that can and do change things, am i one of them? I think we could all get restless. We just don't. No wonder the New Covenant Church talked about comfort being our worst enemy. I pray that the restlessness that I am forced to submit to because of the weather is that same restlessness that moves me to change the Word. That I don't just visit comfort and think I can live there, but return with that same scream inside "CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE SOMETHINGGGGGGGGGG!"

winners!!

2009-01-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

A few days ago- before Christmas I had a call from someone who claimed to be from my bank. I just answered and gave very brief conversation as honestly I thought what she was saying was just too good to be true. She said I had won something, ME??? I never win anything, in fact I feel sometimes like inside I don't want to get involved with be a winner, it calls for more more more and it's not something I am prepared to think about too much- marketing and advertising does enough of that for us. So I just said yes, "I am ashley- you can send that." I let it slide, not thinking it was true, then a few days ago I got a piece of paper in the post saying I had missed picking up a package, I thought it was for my friend Andrea who has been moving around a bit and not certain of address for her family to send Christmas gifts. Anyway- I walked aimlessly to pick up my friends package the other day, totally wrong mindset but I was thinking, here am I again- doing something for someone else in the sweltering heat and I'm not even going to benefit from it. (honesty is the bet policy!) Anyway, it was the 2nd of january when I first went and the post office had conveniently gone on holiday longer than the rest of us are allowed. I shrugged my shoulders and determined to get a coffee- I wasn't wasting my ten minute walk!! So today I roped my friend Andrea to pick up the package with me so I wouldn't have to carry her stuff all the way home and break my back in the process, but she said she didn't know of any packages coming, neither did I as my mum is the only one sends them!! We arrived and as I signed the dotted line my post office friend handed me an envelop- Inside I was like... ,"what just another piece of stinking mail that could have been left in the post box!!" Then I saw the logo for my bank and remembered the phone call, opened it in a dash and laying inside a mastercard gift card with 100 dollars of spending, it's not a credit card- just this thing mastercard brought out recently, kind of like a gift card- but you can use it anywhere for anything. So right now I feel reasonably blessed and confused. I don't deserve money, I didn't earn it? I didn't do anything to receive it, didn't pay for it, couldn't muster to think of what to even do with it. In pondering who I should give it to- send it to-just what to do I am stuck with a new revelation of Grace. I didn't work for it, didn't pay for it, but yet I have been given this gift. Same with Salvation, what did I do to deserve this? I have no clue what to do but think about it in the respect of why do I have this? I wonder if people think the same thing about Christianity when we offer it. Oh yeah- it's just another gimmick,too good to be true. You see, we are so used to thinking that we are losers, inside we hope that we are winners- but why would we ever admit it? So when Christianity arrives we refuse, ignore and brandish it as a tele-sales person trying to get your money.Well, that is until it really arrives, really proves its worth, proves its noble efforts and for some arrives in the mail.

hopelessness

2009-01-07T07:21:00.000-08:00

I have come to remember a time in my life when I had no hope. I remember the deepest pain I have ever felt, the darkest depth I have ever sunk and the drowning feeling of every emotion being tears. I remembered this yesterday when I was discussing my salvation experience. It was a startling thing to remember this time, I had gotten so full of Christianity and church that I had forgotten the living Grace that should be so ever present in my everyday walk. I pray I never forget, not to mourn-but to rejoice that this HOPE is like nothing anything else can offer. I pray I don't forget because it means I will be testifying to the Salvation of my soul. I don't want to forget.

fashionable passions...

2009-01-06T06:24:00.001-08:00

I am not sure wether it is just me, but has anybody noticed that our generation are passionate about causes beyond themselves? I am in love with the time that God has me on earth for, I am overwhelmed at the amount of people I know that would earnestly live and die for a cause, wether it be justice, abortion, poverty, Gaza, Darfur- I am honored to be alive with such individuals that push the boundaries of society and aim to be the best in order to see a change. There is a song written recently in church by a girl that says,

"I can see a change coming on, it's getting closer as a mighty revolution, we can be the change we want to see Oh we can be the change we want to see"

I believe that we can indeed see the change we want to see, that we can determine to live better than what we have been taught. I see it coming- I see...

anon.

2008-12-28T06:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I could live my life like the anonymous poet or painter that inspires so many but never is recognized for their life. I love the hidden truth that these people find more joy in inspiring others than being recognized. There is a simple humility displayed in those who can be so great, but still wash windows or clean streets or even buy the bargain bread at the local tescos. How great would it be to know that inside you are truly GREAT and nobody but you knows it... what a teenage dream- the geek in high school that ends up saving the world. I feel in this season like I am experiencing the just-before-teenage-years of my christianity. I desire to do great things, yet am scared at the prospect of "me... really?" I am no longer young and able to rely on others for support, nor am I wise enough to go it alone with steam in my bones as a grown up. I am in that awkward stage, the one where your hair gets greasy and you break out with acne, have feet that grow too big for your body and get all shy because you are the in between and not quite a person- more an ugly duckling. I am lost in this place, lost trying to plan, lost trying to win, lost trying to be anything but still. I am stilled until I adventure as a teen. I am shy and awkward, confused and lonely-but I have to grow. I have to develop that teenage angst that will determine how I live effectively my passions as a follower of Jesus Christ. I hate that I am not comfortable, nor reliant on anyone. I hate that in order to become something beautiful the growing years have to change me. No longer this little thing who bedazzles everyone with a sweet smile, nor a woman able to convey a message or a life full and established. No... today I am that child/girl/woman/thing/ugly duckling waiting for the teenage years. Oh will that passion for life begin!!!

P.S.

2008-12-16T06:08:00.000-08:00

I got my grades back... distinctions and credits!!!!

It's a wonderful life!

2008-12-16T05:51:00.000-08:00

Recently I watched the movie,"It's a wonderful life" It has taken me some three years to actually watch through the whole thing without falling asleep. Summed up it has that Christmas cheer factor of thanksgiving and also repentance. In a few days Church perform something similar , called the Christmas Spectacular and aptly knick-named 'spec'. This years theme is on the Grinch and the Who's. I can't really remember the story line of this movie, but I am warmed to know that it also expresses this similar theme of thanksgiving and repentance. So really what my question this evening transpires to is; do we find this repentance at Christmas? The evaluation of the festive season and somewhat our ethical decisions made in the past 365 days bring about a change inside of us, otherwise we would not consider the new years resolutions so commonly joked about. These six days in between Christmas day and New Years could change your outlook on the next 365. Forget the fad diets and stop chewing your nails resolutions; What is your expectation? What are you repentant for? What will you change? What ways will your heart grow? These are the questions that I am considering, not only the things I look behind and praise God for- but what I look toward, and how I live my days whilst getting there...

and so boredom doth set in...

2008-12-11T06:23:00.000-08:00

I am very uneasy. I can't holiday in peace!! I feel this urge to get up and go- but there is nowhere to go and nothing to do right now. I wish that I were studying still. I wish I had something to do, and in all of this I am uneasy with rest- but I need it?? I have succumbed to reading a book which before a vacation/rest would not have even wasted my time with. I enjoy this book- in fact I cannot put it down, the bad thing about this is that my day is filled with the book and little else. My day flies away and I feel like I have not moved in weeks- I cannot rest... but rest does appear to be my only motion.

The fight of my life...

2008-11-30T07:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had the greatest joy to go into the City with some of my friends, it all started excellently. We were celebrating Andreas birthday (which is actually tomorrow) and got to shop and do the City thing here in Sydney with a quick rainy trip to Bondi Junction and the beach. It did rain radically, but all in all the four seasons in one day did also bring sun! So we set out- after eating pancakes, strawberries and cream we caught the train and began our day. By the end of our day out some things just started to go wrong. Andrea lost her train ticket- I was busting to pee but the toilets in the station were closed and then got onto a train thinking I can hold for a while, but the train got stopped on the tracks for two hours. I was literally crying as my bladder was aching. I know that this is pretty raw for most, but honestly it was my worst nightmare and I couldn't wake up. In my friends attempts to relieve me we tried to go to the in between of the carts so that I could squat and pee outside. Did NOT work. I had this little Indian man STARE at me and I started to cry- who stares at you laughing when you are trying to pee??? So upon returning to my seat I got talking with a girl on the train sitting next to us. She introduced herself and we began a healthy discussion about Jesus. What strikes me about this girl is nothing other than discerning that God had this planned and even from beginning the train journey I felt like God was moving and shifting some things concerning her. So this conversation continued with me, this Chick on the train and my other friend Eilidh. The all of a sudden Eilidh gets a phone call from her husband- He has been in a hit and run accident and his car is smashed from the van that drove over the top of him and then drove off. What was happening? So after the conversation the train started and we got off at a close by stop. Shaken up and confused we all began to recite scriptures to one another and felt like we were in the middle of a battle. We eventually got back to Eilidh's husband and then drove them home quite a distance away, in the car journey we shared again encouragement with one another and this amazing couple begin to speak of their trust in God and His faithfulness. Earlier Eilidh had told me something, she said, "what sort of fruit comes out when the tree is shaken?" She told me that good ol' Joyce Meyer had quoted this- at the time I was impressed, but now I can't seem to get this out of my head. What sort of fruit (reaction/truth/faith) comes out when your tree ( life) is shaken? The Robertson's are a champion couple- I know that God can only have blessings for them- because their tree has been shaken to the point of uprooting since they came to Australia- but I see the fruit is good. This is just the same authentic Christianity I want to display. No matter what- HE IS FAITHFUL and I WILL STILL PREACH THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST! The enemy cannot hold us down- his ways are lower than mine, I rise above, take the ground and share the genuine love and life that Jesus has given me. I will do this forever... This is the fight for life!

Purpose

2008-11-26T07:26:00.001-08:00

Over the past week God has begun to redirect my vision. Since being here God has enlarged my vision, but now He begins to piece together the reasons. When I was a Christian in high school I never really saw that I lived any different to others, I didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't swear and didn't flaunt myself around- but in spite of all of that I couldn't really see that I, ME,MY HEART was any different to anyone else in my school. The conversations I would ahve with the girls in my class would consist of similar things, we wanted to dream, to do something great. It is now when I have done about ten years of Christianity that I begin to see why it is so different to live for Jesus Christ,it's so liberating and sometimes so hard but IT IS SO DIFFERENT. What gets me thinking about this is the many creative people in the music industry and arts industry that I know of, or know personally. They once were the same people who stood hands raised in worship beside me at outreaches, they have prayed for the lost in front of hundreds and Christian at heart- are not living like they are different. I am slightly confused at this- I know I have been given one of the greatest opportunities of my life to be at Hillsong and learn from those who live with authenticity and at the same time excellence in their field of ministry. Am I too spoiled with this? guess what my pondering conclude is that I want to authentic and I want to be the head of my sphere. For me this is painting and the arts, for you it might be something completely different, but whatever it is I encourage you that someone has to begin, to be a forerunner, why not just run with it and not compromise your most amazing gift of life with Jesus? Maybe it can be turned around and the other side of this is the over enthusiastic Christian who just wants to paint hearts and doves, but it never really has a purpose other than a fluffy idealistic view of Christianity and doesn't reach those that need Him. I don't want to be found guilty of either. God my prayer that I glorify YOU above myself, that YOU be seen before me but that in me you show off...

flipping Africa!!!

2008-11-22T06:07:00.000-08:00

Over the past year God has shown me so much but also so little concerning the future. I cannot give definitives when people ask me, "what are you doing after degree?", however I cannot deny the huge way that He has and is speaking to me about Africa. I never expected this, but it has arrived and the same feeling/experience I had when God called me to come to Bible College in Australia, is the same unction that I feel when someone talks to me about Africa. At present I am cluing through my cognitive brain as to how this can happen, where exactly in Africa and what about the fact that I am Irish... This all has been buzzing my brain since a conversation with a missionary from Kenya this evening. I didn't expect it, but this lady I was conversing with has been a missionary for fifteen years, as she spoke with me, this unction that I have not felt in three years; came back- this burden is in me and I don't know what else to do, but weep and to continue...

P.S. I totally stole this photograph from missionaries in Kenya, John and Sharon at shilohhousemission.org

New Wine Community...

2008-11-19T06:02:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had the pleasure of celebrating a birthday with one of Michael's friends; Chris at his home alongside his Maltese family. I have been to the Pace family home once before and was dumbfounded at the sense of love they share with everyone they meet. I know that a lot of this community has to do with their culture of sharing and love, but I want this to be part of my culture and have decided consciously to be a sharer and giver. There is definitely a kingdom culture in Church, but this Mediterranean outlook on life brings it further into the New Covenant Church and how they did life. I see that this strong and rich nature of family and community is what God had intended for us, he chose Israel because of their placement to reach the nations with the gospel, however I believe in some ways that He chose this nation because of their humble attitude towards others. Chris' family talk loud, laugh loud and make their own wine in the back yard called Covenant (it tastes amazing!) Whilst sitting in their kitchen laughing with some people I had never met I saw this nature that I can adopt into my relationship with new people. How much they love and how this is the sort of family is what God desires, "He sets (adopts) the lonely into families." Thank God for the Pace family and their New Covenant wine and New Covenant community!

damn red paint....

2008-11-18T08:05:00.001-08:00

This evening whilst moving and changing my bedroom around in my frantic-ever-so-often-creative-bursts at 3am in the morning I happened to step my foot-in-Ugg-boot on some red paint, which decided to tell me just how much I weigh by squirting all over my rented carpet... I emphasize rented not because you can rent carpet, but because I rent and have to pay for damage... sob!!

So this darn red paint squirts all over my floor- I try to wipe it up off my cream colored carpet and it decides to move along not on the lifting tool, but dyes more of my carpet. Finally lifting this paint I decide to find the nearest paper-something to sort of not waste this vast amount of my favorite red. In the process I manage to scatter around the paint and walk away impressed, but more so because God speaks to me in hugely fantastic ways and happened to show me something great.

So this is how it goes, whilst being myself I step on something I don't want to step on, Im just expressing my humanity then all of a sudden I have to wipe up my mistakes. Upon wiping these mistakes up more mess happens and I'm pretty stuck as what to do with this vibrant mess on my hands, so I get rid of it and this process produces something beautiful, unique, vibrant and full of movement that persuades me that God must be in the midst of my mess. He is there, cleaning it up with me, but in the mean time artistically being himself and showing off.

Im going to show of my red dotted carpet until I steam clean it. Im a proud artist tonight...

Dan in real life

2008-11-16T08:51:00.000-08:00

Usually I try to sway away from being an overly creative junky, I understand the importance of those who live in a cognitive and very boxed world- Soooo I try to sharpen my curvy edges so that others can understand me in my box, and someday find the smoothness of my box to actually be a trinket filled with colour and most definitely more shape than corners . I have seen so many people with so much passion, but without a reason. I want to be passionate with cause. I am a complete opposite person in my own right, being a choleric and sanguine I tend to make lists, love cleaning and at the same time be sporadic and mess up my room. Who knows???

Anyway, this blog really is to describe the feelings and emotions I just felt while watching the movie Dan in real life. Bare with me if you are the number person, or the list maker; tonight I express the paint.

This movie surprised me, it unleashed my need for absolutes. From the music score to the final scene it encapsulated what love is on every level. From the friendship love, to the family love, to desire felt only in the opposite sex.It showed me the needs of people, how they may look different- but really are the same. I love how God ultimately speaks to us most in our deepest need, He covers our shame, He releases the captive, He comforts those who mourn, and He guides those who are lost. This movie brings out my deepest desire to know Him, to know that in this NEW RELATIONSHIP I am not bound to a list of do's and don'ts or a book that stresses my need for excellence. It is rather that very question and answer all in one. "I give you the choice of life or death" then there is a nudge and a whisper from your best friend, "but choose life" Dear friend, dearest reader, dearest father I whisper. I love choosing life with you!

P.s. Attached a photo of me cleaning.

Babies!!

2008-11-14T07:32:00.001-08:00

Recently I became an auntie. I can tell you it is the best- even though I have not met Luke I love him already. I got to chat on yahoo tonight with his mummy, she is one of my best friends and happened to marry my dear brother Mark. I am not in any way related by blood, but there is a connection that sometimes is closer than blood. I feel with Mark and Claire closer than I am with some of my very own aunts and uncles. This is nothing to do with anything other than sometimes those who walk life with you can know you beyond blood, and it is a truly wonderful moment when you recognize those that do the journey of life with you in this unique and supernatural way. These are the people that can say without fear that you are doing a great job, or an utterly crap job of life. So many times they bring up issues that you don't even see, they bring up your defeats and encourage you more than those who fought in the battle with you. The reason for this closeness is because there is no agenda other than PURE LOVE and FRIENDSHIP. This is a sacred part of my life, having moved thousands of miles away from home, friends become family- and family becomes closer. I treasure these people because you can truly be yourself, sleep on their sofas, eat their irish chocolate and shop till you drop in foreign countries and in all of that love every moment with them. Today, I miss my asian home in Olongapo - I shall eat your irish chocolate again very soon...

bats and ants...

2008-11-13T07:57:00.000-08:00

So life in Australia brings some interesting days of wildlife, I have seen deadly spiders and snakes, koalas and kangaroos- but most recently I have a HUGE fruit bat living in my tree. I, along with my best friend who lives two doors up have named him Charlie. I thought I was o.k. with Charlie, a few sweeps over my head was a bit much, but naming him made me feel more relaxed with his friendly but still shy nature. Tonight after a walk with my gorgeous beau we realized that there are about three HUGE bats living in my tree. I'm honestly not sure if I can put up with this much longer. The tree to which I refer to as mine is located at my bedroom window. I have a thin screen which, every night separates me from Charlie and mosquitos. This screen however does not separate Charlie and his HUGE wingspan flapping or his sonar pitched squeaks that my human ears can hear from penetrating the screen and entering my personal space. One might say Charlie should just come on in... maybe not! In fact Charlie right now is flapping around. Its the sound of a king size bed sheet flapping fast in the wind, or maybe a cotton handkerchief drying from your snotters outside your driving car window. Its interesting.

Next on the wildlife agenda is the ants. In my first year of college within two days my whole kitchen was some mini battle field of armed ants. I promise there must have been a few thousands ants eating everything in sight. I know that this is going to sound funny to those who only view ants a few times of the year but ants in australia are ferocious, also very big on occasion and some are human flesh eating, they are red and probably one cm tall. I had to hose my whole kitchen down and drown the suckers. Thankfully the ants present in my bathtub right now are small, black and not that ferocious. Anyway, for the past three days i have noticed a group/army of these small critters parade themselves in my bathtub. Not really that scared of them getting far, I have no idea what they intend to eat to survive- maybe some herbal essence?? However, tonight I saw all these little black dots in the tub. I thought awww so cute they actually sleep- but then realized they had all died. The moral of the story is... emmmmmm we will get to that later. After studying some scriptures on Ants in Proverbs and some real life ants in my bath I see that they are diligent creatures. The bats are too- but they don't really do much, they flap around and get restless, but their team work sucks. The ants have gained ground in a matter of days, sought out their mission in life and have succeeded in biting out a home in a bathroom tile for safety. What great and fascinating stuff!!! I just wonder why they died? this might not be the actual reason, but I want to indulge for a few moments. I believe that we... Christian soldiers can either be like Ants or Bats. The Ants work in teams, work with purpose and with effort. The bats scare other people, claim their territory but don't work to bring about change, their effect is negative and abusive. However there are problems with being either an ant or a bat- its not always about survival. The Bats have survived, the ants have not. Why did the ants have to die? they died because they could no longer have vision. The bible says without vision the people perish, the ants lost sight of what they could achieve, the bath was too much for them to climb- but they tried it anyway!!! The moral of my story is... don't be a B(r)at- live life with purpose, achieve what you can to the best of your ability and work with each other, if you die in the process it was not in vain!!!

American dreams...

2008-11-05T06:54:00.000-08:00

So today was one of the hugest days in America. Amazing! I was hopeful that Obama would win, it's time for renewal. Despite the abortion and anti - gay stuff paraded around by the Mc Cain's I think that trying to deny problems is not anywhere near the answer. Loving society enough is. I think Obama forces the Nation to re-discover God, to question their beliefs and which can quite possibly kick start the old banger of Christianity we see everywhere in the Western World. I am not generalizing at all, I know so many fantastic Christians from the States- but sometimes it takes you to live your faith outside of comfort that can bring the true heart of Worship. The same is needed in some parts of Europe- what dead religion we need to shake off!!! Is my Christianity based upon the country I live in? Is it based on the governments over my country? NO. Thank God for Obama. I believe he has insight to guide and lead the U.S.A into truth. The first black president has arrived! Let us see positive change and growth. On top of all of these things Obama has made a way for anti poverty solutions, things which Mc Cain has not so greatly offered- my vote, if I were American would be Obama- and he won!

none but Jesus.

2008-10-30T07:41:00.001-07:00

Tonight my boyfriend Mike and I went for our daily walk/run. We live in Bella Vista- the very title of our 'home' in Australia is one of peace, perfection and delight. I even live three doors away from one of the Worlds biggest Churches. HILLSONG! So- on our walk... talking, laughing and just enjoying time with one another. We come across the usual 'lovers-in-the-car' couples parked beside the Norwest lake, then further round we came across a familiar man. I have met this man once before, well... said 'hello' in that Christian tone. Tonight, this man wore the same clothes as last week when I first met him and this time he was sleeping on the bench. I realized something was somewhat different about this man last week, but I didn't want to presume that anything was wrong. Tonight I saw him in his desperation. This man is homeless- for whatever reason recently he has lost his place of rest, his family perhaps. He didn't know we were watching him, or even talking about him. Now I hear the rain fall deeply outside my Bella Vista home and wonder if he is still asleep. If he will curl up on his bench and if he will wake tomorrow wishing he had lived another life.

Imagine, you don't have to go to the biggest City or poorest country to find the broken, poor or needy.

I hope to see him tomorrow. I hope to offer him something more than a Christian 'tone'.

what a friend we have in Jesus...

2008-10-27T09:48:00.000-07:00

The other night in church we sang the old hymn, what a friend we have in Jesus. This song is just stuck in my head now- Kathryn Scott has a champion version on one of her albums. Its such a simple reflection of a pure love. But these things, (simple reflection and pure love) are not the norm. We make it so hard- so difficult. In some ways it's a song I criticize with my own Christianity. I mean, All our sins and griefs to bear, what a privilege to carry everything in prayer? I guarantee that my prayers are sometimes not privileged. My prayers admit to my failures, they admit to my lack. I have trials and temptations- there is trouble everywhere, my pain is needless? Is my pain not what drives me to rescue the perishing? My pain is my biggest joy. My joy is my biggest pain. What a flipping oxy-moron! My pain that others don't know Him, is also my biggest JOY- I have Him. My most heartfelt sorrow is that He is not the 'found friend' to some of my best friends. I struggle with this song, yet I find Him in it. This good wrestle reminds me of someone else who got their hip knocked out of place, I wrestle because I wont leave my civilized Christianity alone. I wont leave until I am changed. It's like what Erwin McManus says in His book The Barbarian Way, If Jesus would not avoid the 'place of the skull', then we should not be surprised where He might lead us. If even He found himself sweating blood at Gethsemane, then we should be certain we will stand in crisis moments where all we can do after asking for relief is declare, ' Not my will will, but yours.' I want to live fully alive. No more self Help Christianity, Im sooooo done with all that. If it means standing buck naked in the wilderness, eating locusts and honey, having my head chopped off, being chased out of churches, being chased out of my home, being tortured in prison. ALL FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST? Count me in.

Finding the place...

2008-10-25T06:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went out with a friend to an amazing little Sydney-ite place... I say Sydney-ite because you really have to have lived here all your life to know it exists. This such place is called Gondivas: A vegetarian Indian restaurant (ok sounds crap so far...) with its own cinema. The idea is you eat the buffet, all you can eat I might add. Then kick your shoes off and "LIE DOWN" to watch your fav movie. We choose a Frenchy film about the war called female agents. Brilliant nights craic, and then went out to a French patisserie for dessert, shared a huge chocolate thing and a pot of chamomile tea. It was a fantastic time spent with a friend I only get to catch up with every few months.

The point to my blog is that this place exists in the Cross... funny name- but this is where the hookers and gay people live/ hang out/ do business. Not the sort of place you would go on a Saturday night... My point... you find treasures in the most unlikely places, the places where you hinder to go. This treasure I will remember and bring new friends along...

im not going to lie....

2008-10-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

Today I have been challenged so much by so many circumstances in peoples lives. From the simplest of meetings I have concerning my job, to visiting a three year old who has just won the victory over leukemia. Reading some old journal entries from a sort of friend who lost a loved one a few years back. I'm not going to lie- they move me more than any song or book. I cannot get over how real and raw God is. I feel like I have been living a dormant Christianity for the past few years. Passion? Don't even get me started on passion... This rush of blood through my reviving body is so real, so inexplainable and I can't get enough. The power of life is magnificent. I praise God for the beautiful girl who had to dance with Jesus, for the true son whose heart loved her more than anyone and for his lyrics of heart that have transformed mine tonight.

2008-10-23T23:10:00.000-07:00

Heidi and Lilly-Rose

Visiting Jesus Again

2008-10-23T22:52:00.000-07:00

Today I had the privilege to visit a beautiful mum and daughter at the Ronald Mc Donald homes beside the Westmead Children's Hospital. I got to hear the story of their beautiful daughter aged 3- their struggle and VICTORY over leukemia. This year has been one never planned, expected or imagined- but through it all GOD PREVAILS! I left with a greater COLOUR in the painting of Jesus. His true self showed up. This family will go down in my memory bank as those with the greatest revelation power of the Gospel. Thank God for visiting Jesus.

depths of love

2008-10-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

Today in my class I gathered inside of me shouts of "Hallelujah" tears of thankfulness and a deeper and more intimate relationship with my father.

The day began with my Evangelism class, this already is changing me- but every week there is just something NEW. This week as we follow Bill Hybels book 'just walk across the room' I am more impacted by the testimonies of real people and how they have always wanted the 'God element' and over years of relationships, despite the christian judgements and down-casting they faced, there was this deep hunger for the real stuff- and its only when some radical, real life person invades their world as a 'true' disciple that they are offered reconciliation. Is it really that hard to be authentic? Why do we struggle so much with this heart facet of the Father. I am shocked even at my own state of life... I came to Australia with my matching pink luggage to come and study at BIBLE college, yet in just one year I managed to rule out all prospective relationships with people who don't know Jesus. The BIG PROBLEM? emmm well I wasn't that concerned- why? because all the Christians I know are not that concerned either. Sad fact, why? because we seem to rule out these non-believers as if they can harm us, or because they might reject us- our ways, our friendships, our meetings... I want truth- full stop my heart is aching for the lost and I will do anything, anything to see God in real life colors again. I honestly believe our lack of miraculous and all that jazz, is not because we don't believe enough, more so because we are not doing the 'acts' of the New Covenant Church. We are responsible for our sphere of life and all who enter. What will it really take to get that the bigger picture is not about what we can get from them- a salvation a year, a limited Christian walk that we don't nurture. RATHER we can OFFER ourselves, fully, without limits to their salvation process. I long for this in my heart. I don't want to be known by God if others cannot know him because of me.

The next journey in my day was in my Christian Ethics class, we had a guest lecturer Simon. He didn't really give much of his testimony to begin with- just told us why he was lecturing us (works with Christians who struggle with homosexuality) I already had a respect for him bringing us to face such a disputed part of relationships in the Church. The room was silent as he began to share his testimony. It wasn't the fluffiest testimony in the world, I was dumbfounded that someone could face such a life of pain and torture. This stuff isn't even in the movies... at the end he said something that changed my life as if I just got saved all over again. He said, " It wasn't easy, it's a bloody war out there. BUT JESUS IS WORTH EVERY BIT OF IT" I could have yelled at the top of my lungs, I could have written ten billion praise songs in that one second. I could have died and not known it- this was the greatest moment of life I have ever witnessed. I felt that like a thousand rocks pounding in my heart, I felt it like all four seasons swept over my face, I felt it like I was born again. I was.

I love white

2008-10-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

Upon beginning this blog journey, I had to choose a color sort of thing for the background. WHITE is clean, easy simple and looks pretty good to wear. I love white everything... my housemates will tell you that in Australia I have become obsessed with painting all my furniture white. I have white linen on my bed. I have a white desk. I have a white old chinese engraved chest.I have a white chair. My bin is white. My teeth are Americanly white thanks to American best friends who bring me CREST WHITE STRIPS! (I already have really white teeth, but after hearing that apparently U.K. people are seen by Americans as having the worst teeth- I began to notice on T.V!) I like white shirts. I have a white journal. I do say this is a pretty neat color. I mean everyone looks good in white, even if you are Irish and pale white skinned...

I reckon, in my weird, creative and oh so Irish-ness that God created white, not for the boring- but the daring. You have to dare to wear white. I challenge you who think white is boring... wear it for one day and see if you can resist spilling something... GO ON! Dare YOU!